The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘funny’

My Zombie Roomy (12/20/11)

I racked my brain quite a bit about a gift for the Zombie. It’s incredibly tough.

First of all – communication with this fella is, to say the least, sparse.

Sure, the obvious thing would be to get him brains but … I don’t really like to go for the obvious gift. For tough gift-receivers I will … and this one is a tough one. But here’s trouble numero dos, where do I get brains?

Moving past obvious then … onto weird, but fun. The Zombie is one hard dude to read. Did he like that song? When it was playing he scratched his hand and a finger looked like it almost fell off. Then he chuckled, licked his finger and starting gnawing on my copy of Game of Thrones. From what I can tell he is completely content in any situation.

Bah!

Anyway … whatever, I ended up with a grab bag of gifts. Here we go:

  • Duct tape (if a body part falls off, he’s covered)
  • A new, used copy of a Terry Brooks book (you’d think I was crazy but I swear he only gnaws on fantasy-based books)
  • A framed picture of Scarlett Johansson (it’s a gift for both he and I)
  • I bought some old clothes that in my opinion smell like death – thought it might be like a sort of potpourri for him

Hope he likes something in this set? Let me know if you think of something to add last minute!

P.S. I googled “Scarlett Johansson where she doesn’t look hot” and Google’s response was to play a laugh track … weird!

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My Zombie Roomy

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My Zombie Roomy (12/15/11)

Here’s an assumption I feel comfortable making – zombies don’t buy people Christmas gifts. Heck, I’d even assume zombies don’t buy other zombies Christmas gifts. It just doesn’t jive.

You’re with me on this assumption, right? Of course.

But then …

But then I come in my apartment, I go to wash laundry, and like my mom the whole month of December the Zombie quickly slammed the door, grabbed a bag, held it like it was a prized possession, gave me a dirty look and sprinted from the room.

Only with mom I always thought, “Christmas gift!,” I never thought, “Christmas gift! … Or dead body parts … Hmm.”

Either way I guess I’ll get the Zombie something. Any ideas on what? I’m going to keep thinking, maybe check out the mall this weekend. If nothing else I may just give the Zombie my permission to go eat a few bratty kids at the mall. (Tis the season?)

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My Zombie Roomy

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Attn: Ellen (12/14/11)

Front


Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

So ends my European vacation stories via postcard.

They probably made as much sense to you as this postcard  made to me. BUT, despite the lack of understanding … hopefully they made you chuckle (again, like me and this postcard).

Sincerely,
DumbFunnery.com

P.S. If you have any of your guests have to do last minute cancellations I can probably cancel my plans to do nothing that day and come out! Just being nice!!

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Attn: Ellen

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