The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘funny’

Wal-Mart, and My Love Life

I have a few things about me that I think are good qualities when it comes to finding/having a girlfriend. I don’t know if girls actually appreciate these things at all, but I’d like to think they do.

One of these STELLAR attributes is my window washing ability at a gas station. I’ll explain that further since you may not get that at first.

When you go to a gas station, often they’ll have those little window washers and the dirty water bucket that they sit in. Because I never wash my car, I always pick one of those little devils up to clean my front and back windows. Sure it’s a little streaky because it’s dirty water, but it’s better than it was.

Here’s what makes this special for me. I’m about six foot, three inches tall and what this means is I can reach ALL THE WAY across the windshield in one swoop. That makes the shiny, clean new windshield slightly less streaky at the end.

What girl can resist that?

Me: “Hey I’ll wash your windshield for you.”
Girl 1: “I think he likes you.”
Girl 2: “Yeah … I think so too …”
Girl 1: “Oh, you don’t like him?”
Girl 2: “Eh.”
Girl 1: “Yeah I know what you mean. He ‘jokingly’ says for his jokes it’s quantity, not quality. But the thing is, that’s not a joke. It really is quantity. He’s like a bad 80’s movie. Joke after joke. And usually very little transition.”
Girl 2: “I know! Did you hear when he said he wished he owned a pan that was in the shape of a panda? So that when someone says, ‘what’s that?’ he could say, ‘it’s a pan…duh!'”
Girl 1: “Ugh. Classic him.”
Girl 2: “Wait … did he just … did he just clean my windshield in only 5 swipes? It takes me TWICE as many!”
Girl 1: “Oh wow! He can reach all the way across! Your windshield will be sort of way cleaner!”
Girl 2: “You know … I think I do kinda like him…”

This conversation could very well happen – EXCEPT … well, two reasons.

One, I haven’t made that panda-pan joke out loud yet. I thought of it while writing this. And two, Wal-Mart!

They now have those windshield cleaners with an extra long handle! How dare they! If this catches on one of my go-to romantic charms will be lost, and that is very upsetting. Please, if you’re reading this Wal-Mart executives, consider this, and stop producing those.

Or I may have to become genuinely charming – and that sounds like a lot of work.

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Weekly Wacko

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Fill in the Blank – Battlefield 3 Style

I have been playing a fair amount of Battlefield 3 lately. It is a video game where you run around and shoot other players (or the AI if you’re doing single player). Unless you are me, in which case more often than not you are getting shot by other players.

The standard joke is that you are getting crushed by a bunch of thirteen year olds with too much free time. But, according to some articles the average gamer is older. (Common sense also says this … given that I’m a dude in his twenties who plays this game with co-workers.)

Losing in a video game can be frustrating – and my neighbors may think something insane is happening in my apartment. Here’s my guess of what they are thinking.

Me: “WHAT?! I TOTALLY SHOT YOU!”
Neighbor: “Good God, our neighbor is a psycho.”

Me: “HAHAHAHA DUUUUDE! I JUST CRASHED A JET INTO ONE OF THEIR TANKS!”
Neighbor: “Good God, our neighbor is a psycho.”

Me: “ARE YOU SERIOUS!? HOW DID I USE AN ENTIRE CLIP AND NOT HIT HIM ONCE!!!”
Neighbor: “Good God, our neighbor is a psycho.”

Me (just to mix things up): “THESE CUPCAKES I BAKED ARE DELICIOUS!”
Neighbor: “Good God, those cupcakes smell delicious.”

***

Curious why I waste my time playing video games? Sometimes I accidentally do something 1/10th this cool. That is still pretty dang cool.

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Weekly Wacko

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Lies I Readily Tell to Salespeople

“How would you like to LOOK and FEEL better!?!?!”
“As a hobby, I hate myself, so that would be bad.”

—

“Excuse me sir … excuse me …”
(Mistake of acknowledging the mall kiosk person exists.)
“Do you celebrate Christmas?”
“Nope.”

—

(Cute salesgirl approaches …)
“Are you looking for anything in particular?”
“Do you know which section a book by <Insert author that I think she might like> would be?”

—

“You know that’s a woman’s sweater …?”
“Yeah! Hahaha! … It’s for … My girlfriend … She’s built like me? … Or … Uh … Shoot.”

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