The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘humor’

The Downside of Better Video Games

In the video game FIFA 14 you can choose to create a player and play through the career of that one person. This can lead to upgrading your rating as you get accomplishments, and playing for different teams if you prove yourself ready to play at higher or lower levels.

In other words, the game is tracking your stats to decide how to rank you and move you. Pretty neat.

What would not be neat is if the game got really good at this.

When playing the game I take turns between two skill levels: one offers a challenge where I have to play intelligently, my team could win or lose, and I will score a goal if I’m lucky/play really well. Also my rating (you are rated each match) is so-so. To offset this and advance my player I also play at an easier level in order to get more accomplishments, advancing my player faster and also, obviously, it’s just fun to score. In those matches I’m rated very highly.

Here’s what a write-up of my player might look like if the game got to the point where it had built in the ability to track trends in your play. (FYI: my character’s nickname is Slinky because it’s an old soccer nickname of mine.)

“Slinky is a decent player. He ranges from slightly below average to amazing, seemingly game to game.

“Some days he arrives and the game starts with him calling for the ball and he persists in calling for the ball without once distributing it, seemingly, until he has a hat trick. It is some of the most selfish play one could ever witness, and yet it works. Disturbingly, even after scoring multiple goals he seems to avoid passing to a specific teammate (it should be noted that this player is second on the team stat sheet for goals scored, first in assists). On some of these games he will take shot after shot that is nearly impossible – with his weak foot, from outside the box. It makes no sense.

“I would kick him off the team except he really can score at will. With enough time and chances he WILL score multiple goals, embarrassing the opponent. It is almost as if everyone around him is an amateur compared to his professional status.

“Then, on the ‘off’ days, Slinky is a good teammate, making runs, distributing the ball, coming back to help on defense. He does everything he should … But honestly, I’d prefer the selfish a-hole version who scores 4 times per game.

“It should be noted several teammates, independent of each other, have made attempts on his life.

“I think he deserves a raise.”

Whisper’s What’s What

Step up, shut up and listen up folks because I’ve got a tale to tell. A little less than a bit of time ago I was as open-eyed and curious and full of crum-dumb tomfoolery something or other. But now with Whisper’s What’s What I can see more than the average, I hear more than two ears should be expected to hear, and I can smell what ails you.

And what ails you, dear friends, is a lack of confidence.

And what else ails you?, eh?, I’ll tell you – it’s a lack of memory. And of confidence.

But shh, stare no more at my shirtless, shining, gleaming, muscled up bodice, belly button lint-free I might add: for I am just a representation of what you could be had you a bottle of Whisper’s What What.

How?, what?, for me?, for … free?

FREE! Yes I said the OTHER magic word, not thanks, not skanks, not hi-janks to get you some product seduced by sex and selective feelings of superiority. No, no. This is a guaranteed, bonified to leave you stupefied pro-duct. I wouldn’t emphasize the pro if I didn’t feel confident about Whisper’s What What.

How much, then, hm? How much would you pay to be the shining example, to be the boy, the girl, the man, the woman on the poster? Hm? How much would you pay to be the one people look to in the grocery store thinking, ‘I bet HE knows where they keep the protein bars.’ I ask you – do YOU know where they keep the protein bars?

YOU sir, you with the brown trousers, the two-toned shirt that’s brown on the bottom, green on the top with green sleeves, (you look like a plant), do YOU know where they keep the protein bars?

Oh you do, eh? What’s that? It’s because you had just one sample of Whisper’s What’s What!? Why, just yesterday? My brother must have been out here giving samples! That old scrapperdoodle. I’ll give him a what one, make it two, no three, better make it a what for.

Just a little humor folks. Yes you, like me, could be attracting audiences like this one, up to TWO people at a time! One plant and one confused looking little old lady. Ma’am?

…Oh. Yeah, the Wal-Mart’s up there.

Attn: Ellen (1/14/15)

Front

Ellen202a

Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

Ellen202b

The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

As I’m sure you remember, I’m getting married soon! Leading up to this my fiancé has been good about having us write thank you notes. I like to try and be creative, but I also have a tendency to forget that not everyone finds joking about taking the lovely basket so-and-so got, putting it behind a glass so we have … a basket case living with us! Get it!?

Also sometimes my jokes just aren’t funny.

Sincerely,
DumbFunnery.com

Why am I doing this?