The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘humor’

Attn: Ellen (3/26/14)

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Ellen163a

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 Ellen163b

The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

I have a unique problem. I have been to 3 events with my girlfriend’s family where a lot of the same folks have showed up. At 2 of the 3 I have worn bright pink pants.

(The first time was an ugly sweater Christmas party so it was to be funny. The second was a party at a horse track where we dressed like a formal derby party so it actually made sense.) (I swear I rarely wear those pants except for that.)

The problem is: I think her family thinks I’m an enthusiastic Peptop Bismol salesman (they really are bright pink pants.) Do you have any advice for me?

Sincerely,
DumbFunnery.com or @DumbFunnery

Why am I doing this?

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Attn: Ellen

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Bantering Brad’s Super Sale

I am not good at doing anything musical – but I do know I like to make up fake facts and stories.

That’s why I would like to advertise my services as a guy who will write the little banter between songs that explains the inspiration for the upcoming song, and as a bonus I’ll throw in the title of the song too.

Here’s just a sampling of my wares:

I was playing some gigs in Texas and one morning I got a couple kolaches from a gas station in New Braunsfels and they didn’t sit well with me. This next song is about that it’s called “Life is Risk.”

Recently I had a very vivid dream about the John Steinback novel The Red Pony. I hadn’t read it in more than 15 years but the dream was powerful so this one is called: “Killer Horseshoe.”

Heartbreak is a double edged sword. It is the fire that burns your heart to the ground, giving the nutrients for a springtime blossoming of feelings to emerge after time has passed. This song is about my ex, our break up, and moving on, it’s called, “I hope you get trampled by a gang of midget ponies you ass face.”

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Du Jour of the Week

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Attn: Ellen (3/19/14)

Front

Ellen162a

Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

 Ellen162b

The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

Sometimes when I am doing something “cool” or at a “cool” event (like SxSW) I think of my future potential children and how maybe one day they’ll stumble on some pictures of their old man and think, “woah! Dad used to look so young … And like, do stuff!”

Unfortunately for this scenario it means I need to stop making goofy faces in pictures and that’s not likely.

Sorry potential kids, your old man is a dork. (If you’re reading this, just know that every time you tease me I will make a math joke in front of your friends.)

Sincerely,
DumbFunnery.com

Why am I doing this?

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Attn: Ellen

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