The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘humor’

Dad Jokes for Different Occupations

This morning Rainbow Speak and I (along with many others) volunteered for Habitat for Humanity. He and I ended up on the roof (sort of roof, it wasn’t complete) hammering … something. I forget what. From 8 to noon though we hammered away at whatever it was. Occasionally he’d say, nails in mouth, “this is a real nail-biter up here.” Terrible dad-joke. Which led me to this post. I apologize everyone, blame Rainbow Speak.

 

Carpenter (after being asked how was your day?): It was another nail-biter!

Pilot (after telling one joke while approaching the runway): I guess you could say we’re coming in a little funny.

Dentist (in fake sad voice): Bad news … it turns out I can’t handle the tooth.

Army (specifally if you’re named Joseph): GI Joe? When will they get my letters!? It’s JoSEPH. GI JoSEPH.

Rocket Scientist: Another tough day of work … Sometimes problems can be so difficult, but I just have to remind myself, “well it’s not rocket science, you can do this,” …….. oh wait …

Archaeologist: What tragedy is this I see! We get here and the place is already in ruins!?

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Du Jour of the Week

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The Ice Cream Plight

Ice cream, oh ice cream
It is of you I now dream
Ice cream which would give such delight!
But ice cream that requires moving off my couch tonight

Past self, at the grocery store,
“Bad eating habits? No more!”
You FOOL! You goon! You dummy.
A life … without ice cream … is not yummy.

And so, to the closest store I go
For overpriced chocolate chip cookie dough
At the grocery store soon after
I’ll think back with self-chiding laughter
“No, I ate too much ice cream that night.
“Cutting out sweets is definitely right.”

Yes, my friends, my foes
These are the ice cream woes
Take heed at the grocery store tonight!
Don’t think, just buy, avoid the Ice Cream Plight

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Du Jour of the Week

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MS 150

The MS 150 is a 2-day bike ride that I will be attempting in April. I will be biking from Houston to Austin.

Say, is Houston the nickname you gave for your apartment, and Austin the nickname you gave for your next door neighbor’s apartment? No, silly. The real cities in Texas. Why bike between them? Well, it’s simple, I hate myself.

Tomorrow begins the class I am taking to train for this (since I never really bike). I am afraid for my future self. Today I bought bike shorts and I am afraid for anyone who will be near/have to see my future self. Those things hug in all the wrong ways. The padding makes it feel like you are being constantly lightly groped in the weirdest spot.

Here’s the thing though … No matter how confident I am that I will look like an idiot in those things, I give it four weeks at most before I will consider taking a picture of myself in them, and then sending it to a random number. I’m kidding about that part. But how frightening would that be? Maybe attach the phrase, “that’s what I thought” or “don’t disappoint Jerry.” That person would change their number pronto.

When I tell people that I am doing a 2-day bike ride to Austin they ask, “how are you getting back?” That’s when I respond, “with finesse.” And that’s when they stop talking to me. But, sincerely, I really ought to look up how we get back.

Hopefully I’ll encounter pretty things when I ride outside, and hopefully pretty people in class (though I’m pretty sure the class has 9 people and we’re all guys).

Wish me luck!

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Weekly Wacko

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