The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘humor’

Kill the Scouts

Whenever I see an ant or maybe two walking around in my apartment I think, These are the scouts! They’re going to head back to the home base and tell them, “come quick! Homeboy’s got chocolate covered raisins!” At this point I decide to kill them. Sometimes though I kill just one and toy with the other for a while.

The next night another two ants will be back. Again, I think to myself.

What do I have to do to these guys! Didn’t I squish that other ant angrily enough? Don’t they get the message!

What I hadn’t considered was that maybe these ants came on purpose.

Night After I Killed the First Ant

Survivor Ant: I’m back! Everybody I’m back.
Rest of Ant Community: Hey that’s great, now get to work.
Survivor: No! Listen, I’ve got to warn you –
Jerk Ant: Shut up. Get to work you dumb, lazy yokel.
Survivor: But I’ve got to warn –
Jerk Ant: (mimicking) I’ve got to warn. (normal voice) Wah wah wah. No one cares.
Survivor: Dude. Shhh. Come here. I just ate so much sugar I lifted 52 times my own weight.
Jerk Ant: (unsure) Yeah … whatever …
Survivor: Listen. You’ve always been a jerk to me and I … I don’t know I just had kinda hoped that I could get you to like me if I took you to the magical land of sugar.
Jerk Ant: Pssht. Magical land of sugar. You’re so lame.
Survivor: Yeah. But I know where there’s lots of sugar.
Jerk Ant: … Yeah ok. Take me there. Tomorrow night I’ll ask to be a scout like you.

Unfortunately, I don’t know how to tell the difference between a jerk ant, and a regular ant. That’s why, when the scout ants come back for a second night I just kill them both.

 

🙂 The End 🙂

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Short Short Stories

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Attn: Ellen (11/17/10)

Front


Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

Don’t tell Ellen, but I actually got this at Johnson Space Center during this trip.

The text of the postcard is:

Dear Ellen,

“3…2…1…Delayed.”

My parents and I had a lovely time in Florida – and they made fun of me for buying postcards to send to you.

Don’t hate the dream, folks!

(They don’t.)

Sincerely,

GetBradStanleyPublished.com

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Attn: Ellen

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My Zombie Roomy (11/15/10)

The Zombie has a way weirder sense of humor than I realized. Just nuts.

Last night I was all loopy because I was really sleepy. One of those giggly/sleepy times.

Anyway we were on the couch watching Legend of the Seeker (I’m a little bit in love with the Mother Confessor?). The Zombie kind of likes her, too. I think he doesn’t realize it’s a TV show, so it might just be respect for her magic and whatnot.

I said, “hey Zombigus, if you saw her at a bar by herself what would you say to her?”

The Zombie looked down and it looked like he maybe had a slight grin, then he turned his head away from me a little bit and I thought – oh this is going to be good!

Then he looked back and he had removed a tooth! He was holding it up and doing this sort of debonair look, like, “I brought you this fancy drink.” Except it was a tooth.

I was shocked, then I saw him grinning, and I just started cracking up.

A tooth! I’m not sure if it would work, but it’d be memorable and that’s half the battle right?

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My Zombie Roomy

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