Front
Back (apologies for my handwriting!)
I got this postcard in … well, New Orleans, Louisiana.
The text of the postcard is:
Dear Ellen,
It’s Thanksgiving-time, which I am excited about.
You know, America has always had a certain bravado which is pretty cool, and Thanksgiving shows more of it.
So shove off obesity as a national epidemic, and hand me more pie!
Wearing Sweatpants,
GetBradStanleyPublished.com
Where’s My Doe-Eyed Look and Legs That Go for Days?
I’m not about to write a dissertation
About getting out of a citation
With some harmless, mindless (‘I wasn’t flirting! … Oh! I guess I was flirting …’) flirtation
But my inability to do this does cause me some irritation
When those lights flash behind me my first thought is: aggravation
Followed by: frustration
With, I’ll admit, some four-letter words uttered with some not so small amount of exaggeration
While you of the fairer sex probably practice batting your eyes in the same situation
And then the cop sits in his car for what seems a sudden-onset two-week vacation
Taking my annoyance/worry/fear past their limitation
Seriously – did he pull me over then notice a tear in his seams so he then quickly pulled out his ever-handy pocket-sewing kit for some minor alteration
Others, I won’t point fingers, sit confident, waiting to exercise their skilled craft of subtle insinuation
Next the cop walks SLOWLY toward my car – viewing it and me under close inspection
I sit thinking of laws I’ve broken, things I’ve done wrong, such guilty introspection
‘Don’t say anything wrong,’ I think, ‘Don’t do anything wrong. Don’t give him any legal ammunition.’
The pretty faces yawn – to them this is bush-league, this is exhibition
The officer approaches and stares DOWN at me, “license and registration”
Straight to it, eh cop? No anticipation?
I’d make a joke about ‘traffic stop foreplay’ but I don’t have that kind of gumption
When you’ve got that doe-eyed look and legs that go for days who need’s a woman’s intuition?
The officer asks some questions without the slightest hint of animation
I stutter and stumble with some mental constipation
My hopes of a warning go up in a bug conflagration
And you, you, you send the hint of a hint of a good vibration
Without any hesitation
(And it probably goes without saying, also without any affection)
Here comes my ticket and from me a silent nod without any argumentation
Meanwhile you allow yourself some self-congratulation
Ninety-nine percent of the time your doe-eyed look and legs that go for days are cause for adulation
But for that other time I insist on some new legislation
It’s not sublimation it’s shameless self-exploitation
And besides, it’s unfair and I don’t like it and you’re pretty and what are you up to later tonight because maybe we can discuss this over some candle-lit situation
Make Someone Feel Uncomfortable Day 2010
Thanks to my friend Theresa for sharing this link with me about Make Someone Feel Uncomfortable Day 2010. I’m touched that I am associated with creating awkward situations.
Story One: Making Others Uncomfortable
The summer between my 8th and 9th grade years my dad’s side of the family had a HUGE family reunion. A massive amount of Stanleys.
We did all kinds of things but one night we all gathered and sat in this big barn-type room (we were at some very nature-y place in Colorado for the reunion). Everyone was there (minus probably a few old people who had already gone to sleep). We did a few things, and then it came time for …
Family Facts!
Every person in the room would take a turn standing up and telling a little known fact about ‘us Stanleys.’ (If my memory serves correctly – my memory verifier here, aka my mom, was not available.) This whole process was not delightful for me whatsoever. Public speaking. Public speaking at an event where other people were telling jokes and getting laughs. Oh, I had to get a laugh! I just had to!
I remember two facts given. Mine. And my mom’s. My mom’s was funny. Mine …
“A little known fact about [last name] … is that they’re like cockroaches … even if you cut off their head they keep living, and talking …, for weeks.” [Again – I’m not sure exactly about my mom’s joke but I know I was a big fan.] But, if you’re curious – that is a fact about roaches.
Mine: “A little known” (odd licking motion) “fact about us” (again odd licking motion) “is that we’re part snake.”
Yuck. Blech. Gross. My joke TANKED. I would guess that most people just thought I was a weirdo who licked my face a lot, and the confidence-shattering silence across the room probably made me mumble the ‘punch line.’
There you go – I stood up and called my family a bunch of snakes while licking my face excessively. Congratulations to me.
Story Two: Being Uncomfortable because of Someone Else
One time during college the girl I was dating found out that I didn’t really like the word ‘panties.’ [Another friend of mine found the word ‘supple’ to be very uncomfortable, so of course when I found that out everything was described as being ‘supple’ in varying degrees.]
The then-girlfriend found out about the word panties right before we got to the grocery store. My new nickname for that hour was, of course, panties.
“Do you need milk, panties?”
“Hey that cereal is on sale – don’t you like that stuff … panties?”
“Hey panties I’m in this lane checking out! … Panties! … Panties in lane 7. Yes, you, panties!”
The End
There you have it – two uncomfortable situations. They’re both simple enough, harmless to everyone but me (and those hit by my awkward shock-waves). Have a great Make Someone Uncomfortable Day 2010, and a good weekend!
DumbFunnery 