The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘humor’

Weekly Wacko (28)

So, A Bear and a Kid Walk Into a Bar

When I was in kindergarten, first and second grades my family lived in Alaska. This provided us with a lot of unique memories, and one of them came on a particular camping trip.

Before you were allowed to find your site and get set up, you had to stop by a park ranger type area to do some things. In at least one of these information/check-in areas, they had a TV on with a video playing about ‘bear safety,’ among other things. What do you do if you run into a bear, especially a female brown bear with kids? Find religion. The videos had some other suggestions, but I think my suggestion is as good as any.

When we went camping it was a lot of fun. The cold weather in the mornings, sleeping on the ground, the constant thought of bears – I loved it. I loved it so much that I opted to sleep in the car.

I actually did really enjoy camping. But I’m nobody’s fool (a car is far more comfortable).

One night, located in my luxurious backseat of Margerie the Mini-Van (other Stanley family cars have been Nancy the Volvo and Yoda the Toyota), I realized I needed to use the bathroom. I tried to see if I could hold off, but no, I couldn’t.

I snuck out of the car and closed the door as quietly as possible.

I started sneaking toward my parents tent – not wanting to wake up everyone, just my Mother (who else would I expect to be my personal bathroom expedition leader?).

Finally I made it to my parents tent, where my Mom was inside.

She was awake.

Completely awake.

Very alert.

And pretty sure that the smartest bear ever was slowly unzipping the flap for the tent she and my father were in.

Man I love camping!

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Weekly Wacko

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My Zombie Roomy (4/6/10)

4/6/10

I don’t know what part of the brain it is that does this – but I really enjoy combining two words together. Like celebrity names. Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes equals TomKat. That sort of thing.

It’s very idiotic, but it’s very pleasing when you get a good combination out of it. If I had to guess, I would bet the same part of my brain that enjoys this is also the part of my brain that enjoys sock puppets and jokes about ham sandwiches (‘why didn’t the guy eat the ham sandwich? Because the sandwich was complimenting him!’ … get it? Like the sandwich is a ham? Would you believe I just thought of that?)

Anyway I wanted to think of a combination for the Zombie and I. That’s when I realized I don’t even have a nickname for him! Just something to call him besides the Zombie. For a while I thought maybe I’d call him ‘Zomb’, or ‘the great Zombino.’

I’ll admit to saying something he did, “was the Zomb!”

The Zombie and I both wish I hadn’t said that.

Anyway, other possible names have been: “the Zoombmate,” “all I wanna do is go-uh zoom, zoom, zoom, with the Zomb, Zomb, Zomb,” (too long a name, otherwise perfect), “Ombie,” (too emasculating), “Z”, “el Z,” (that was a hit for about a week after he and I watched Zorro), “Butt Face,” (he and I were playing co-op on this one video game and … well, he sucks).

I’ll keep thinking on this name thing. Something good is bound to come to me.

Work has been pretty crazy lately so I haven’t had as much time to hang out. What’s weird is this: I think I may actually miss this brain-dead freak. (Don’t tell him I said that though.)

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My Zombie Roomy

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De Jour of the Week (4/5/10)

4/5/2010
Who doesn’t have a love-hate with Wal-Mart?

An Ode to Wal-Mart

Love me tender,
Love me big-spender,
Love me some Wal-Mart in all its splendor.

Someone is blocking the aisle, “excuse me misssss … ter?”
Don’t get me started on that confusing disaster.

So overweight that using the automatic wheelchair causes you to work up a sweat …
It’s almost too pathetic to make fun of … almost, but not yet.

You’re paying for condoms with some food stamps –
Ladies left town and all we have now are tramps.

A personal cell phone call with your apparently deaf friend about cramps, sure, that’s appropriate –
The disgusted ‘this is personal!’ look you give to anyone who unwillingly overhears is what they get!

Your leopard print, skin tight pajama pants are impressive –
The image it’s seared into my brain is oppressive.

Your child is crying, wrecking your A-game with that hunk of burning (STDs) love –
Would you mind handling everything you ever, EVER touch with a latex glove?

‘Born in the USA!’ t-shirt worn with mustard-stained, one-size-too-small, pride –
I’m guessing the truck with a Confederate flag and missing headlight is your ride?

What’s this? A cute sight? A daddy playing with his daughter!
Ew. He just checked out that teenage chick. Just more Wal-Mart fodder.

Your child is wearing a shirt that says, “bitch give me a hot dog” –
Methinks during pregnancy you couldn’t resist the eggnog?

Emaciated, and overweight –
How did you reach a feat so great?
Yes, I love me some Wal-Mart,
It’s near and dear to my heart,
And when we finally decide to do some fix-ups on America it’s a great big beacon of where to start.

–   Bored? Check out this site: http://www.peopleofwalmart.com/  –

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Du Jour of the Week

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