The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘jokes’

Not Really a Car Guy

I am taking my car in to be looked at soon and as someone who knows little to nothing about cars I have a feeling I will look like an idiot. (In the words of Mitch Hedburg: “I know a lot about cars. I can can look at a car’s headlights and tell you exactly which way it’s coming.”)

Here are a few possible conversational snippits:


Mechanic: And when’s the last time you got your tires rotated?
Me: Well … On the drive in here? I mean, every time I drive they get rotated, right?

 

Me: I am not sure why I’m here really … I mean, my car is an automatic, shouldn’t it be taking care of all this stuff by itself?

 

Mechanic: We’ve got a number of things we’d like to do: first we’re going to –
Me: Let me guess, give my car some pasta?
Mechanic: …What?
Me: I mean, why else would it need a carb-orator unless it eats a lot of carbs?! Huh? Amiright?
Mechanic: …
Me: Because it’s like a refrigerator but just for carbs.
Mechanic: Yeah …
Me: So … that’s funny …
Mechanic: … Right. We’ve got a number of things we’d like to do: first we’re going (etc, etc, stuff I don’t understand)

Jokes from Doug

A while back my girlfriend and I ate at a small, simple restaurant. The place didn’t seem like it was going to be much – but it was the exact kind of restaurant you’d see in a movie set in a small town. The people who worked there were all nice, the food was amazing, and there was an old man with a guitar who played there on Friday nights for everyone’s amusement.

The man’s name was Doug. He sang songs like Mr. Bojangles. He seemed like an old west/Texas traveling musician who (based on his playing there) had never hit it big but still loved the life of music. I lack the words to describe him, but he seemed like he belonged in a painting rather than real life.

As if the sight of him and his musical talents weren’t enough, he told dorky little jokes between songs. Of course he did. To illustrate the small town movie feeling, this was an exchange he had with a waitress:

“(To waitress) Hey Emily, Where’s Scott?”
“He fell in love with a girl and moved to Austin.”

Now for the rest of Doug’s lovely jokes.

Got a quick costume change … (Switches guitars)

This next song was requested. Not tonight, or last night, but about 5 months ago when I was in Oklahoma.

I went to a workshop on how to write songs. The first thing they told you was the song had to be about something. (Sort of scoffs.) so this next song is about 3 minutes.

They like me playing here because I don’t take breaks. I fidget too much when I take a break and I want to smoke. I gave up smoking … About 7 years ago now. It was March of 2006. I gave up smoking and yodeling for Lent … I haven’t been able to stay away from yodeling. (He yodelled in that song and it was very good.)

To Joke, or Not to Joke

I’m at a work event where I know very few people. These events can be tough on me because I make little jokes, but people don’t realize I’m joking. Some of the highlights from the last work conference where I had jokes fall flat.

1 – A man is writing on a piece of paper how many years each of us in his class has been working. Then he asks us to count them up to see just how much experience the room has. Clearly, all the years add up to a very large number. Because I want to be funny, I say this …

“I’m gonna say at least 3.”
“Well it’s a little higher than that, keep counting!”

Not only did this not get a laugh, he now thinks I’m incredibly stupid.

 

2 – We are divided up into teams based on some little personality test they have us do. We have to list reason for conflicts with co-workers. The exercise is to show that either every one has the same reasons (communication-oriented probably) or that different groups see different problems … I don’t remember. What I do remember is my failed joke.

“Ok any other conflicts?”
“Dance fights.”
“What?” (This is where I should’ve stopped and said, ‘just kidding!’ but nope.)
“Too many dance fights at work.”
“Uh …”

Had I been clever I would’ve moon-walked right out of that room. Oh and also I would need to know how to moonwalk.

 

3 – I’m looking into the future and seeing this one. This is a brilliant joke I heard a friend tell and I’m going to steal it. The joke is this – you admit with some shame that you can be a little condescending, then you pick one person out and explain to them very obnoxiously, “that means I sometimes talk down to people.”

“Ok, so class, what are some faults you have that you want to work on?”
“Well, I can be a little condescending … (Picking 0ut someone nearby) That means I sometimes talk down to people.”
That guy, annoyed: “I know what condescending means!”

Seriously, this is going to end up happening. And yet I won’t be able to stop myself.

 

4 – Again, future failure. Because I’m surrounding by type-As the word decisive will undoubtedly heard. When I hear this I’ll stop paying attention and hope for my chance to jump in with a joke (it’s obnoxious of me but true).

“Oh I’d say I’m very decisive as well … I think. Or maybe … well I don’t know. Put me down as 50% decisive.”
With derision: “Uh … then you’re not really decisive, dude.”

It’s good to be here.

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