The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘My Zombie Roomy’

My Zombie Roomy (10/26/10)

I hadn’t seen the Zombie in a while, but I came home today and the bathroom door was closed. I thought about it and I was pretty sure I hadn’t closed the bathroom door before I left.

This got me nervous.

Then I heard some sloshing coming from inside the bathroom. Bathtub sounds.

This made me even more nervous. And pretty curious.

I walked up to the bathroom and listened. After I heard a few sounds from inside I knew it was the Zombie. You might think I felt better knowing that – but not really. The Zombie doesn’t use the bathroom. The Zombie doesn’t take baths. The Zombie doesn’t close doors.

What is happening?

“Zombie, I’m going to open the door …” I said, a little worried.

I opened the door and I saw something that shocked me. Absolutely shocked me.

The Zombie had lit some candles, was laying in the bath tub with tons of bubbles, he had some old-fashioned hair curlers he had somehow shoved into his head, and was gnawing on a self-help book on how to get over being broken up with (based on the books cover, ironic I know, it looked to be a book for heterosexual women).

The Zombie burped, and we both laughed. Things are back on track with me and the Zomb!

Also because of the bath he doesn’t smell like death, mixed with curry, mixed with feet! He instead just smells like death.

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My Zombie Roomy

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My Zombie Roomy (10/5/10)

WOW! Mind-blowing realization today about the Zombie, and all zombies, while at work!

I’ll share with you how I came to this thought.

I started thinking the Zombie is pretty asexual. He never talks about any particular girl or guy. No interest in anyone it seems – which I don’t get! The Zombie has a lot going for himself, and I think if he’d just put himself out there … well, never mind all that.

I was thinking about this whole ‘asexual’ thing and then thought, wait let me look up asexual to see that I have it right. And I did, but also there’s ‘asexual reproduction.’ And zombies reproduce by killing … so it’s like, equating it to most other animals, when a zombie kills you they’re having sex with you!

DANG!

Suddenly there are a ton of horror/porn flicks on the market. Sean of the Dead? Porn. 28 Days Later? Porn. That’s right, people, you’re into zombie porn.

Chew on that.

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My Zombie Roomy (9/27/10)

I didn’t want to write about this because, frankly, it’s embarrassing for both the Zombie and me. If it had just been embarrassing for him you can be sure I would’ve written about it pronto.

When I moved in to my apparent I was very excited about several things, one of these was the washer and dryer INSIDE my apartment! This was a big step up from my studio apartment in California. I thought dreamer-type thoughts, ‘I’ll wash my sheets every day!’ ‘My towels will be constantly fresh out of the dryer!’ ‘Never again will I need to do the sniff-test on a t-shirt!’

I have fallen short of these ideals.

Thus, it is with great shame that I report to you that the Zombie had crawled inside the dryer and gotten himself trapped and I didn’t discover him for nine days because I am a total slob.

I don’t really have a guess as to why the Zombie decided to cram himself into the dryer. A lot of alone time, a weird sense of humor, and being undead really lead you to make some odd decisions I guess.

On the plus side I have discovered that the Zombie eats two things: humans and dryer sheets. At first I was annoyed because those things don’t grow on trees, but man his breath has vastly improved.

We’re going to watch some of The Office now – he finds Jim attractive in a humor- and zombie-way.

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