The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘romance’

To My Girl, With Adoration (and Corrections)

It’s hard to believe, seven years ago was our first date
(Not to be nit-picky, but it was actually eight)
I bought you dinner, and you bought us ice cream for dessert
(It was actually some frozen yogurt)

We went on a walk, enjoying the beautiful weather
(It was so cold I had to borrow your sweater)
You looked so cute in that flower-print dress
(Is your memory under some form of duress?)

You have the most beautiful blueish-green eyes I’ve ever seen
(Define what you mean by ‘blueish-green’?)
I hope our daughter has your beautiful brown locks
(It’s light chestnut! … Not to get on my color-wheel soapbox)

You always smell like lilacs, lavender or Ungaro
(You’re just saying the fancy smell-words you know)
I made you this CD, it has our old song
(It’ll be fun to see how you got that one wrong)

I just want you to know how much you mean to me
(I like you and your bad memory)
Even as I get older and my mind starts to fade
(I will be your memory maid)
I’ll always know how much you mean to me

Category:

Du Jour of the Week

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Celebrity Comparison

Recently I went on a date. It went ok. (Except for the incredibly awkward ending where her ex came in with the girl he left her for – and they’d apparently gone on a date at that SAME PLACE just ONE month ago – and she ended up saying an awkward hello to him … yep.)

Something (else) funny happened on the date, though.

I went to the restroom (I have the bladder of a pregnant woman) and came back to the table. When I sat down she greeted me with a question along these lines,

“Have you ever been compared to a celebrity?”

Oh no. My brain immediately goes to oh no when someone brings this up.

“Um … why do you ask?” I say, probably showing amusement and concern on my opposite-of-poker-face.
“Who have you been compared to?”
“I don’t want to say … it might sway it …”
“Michael Cera.”

Yep. Michael Cera. Don’t get me wrong, I think he’s awesome. I’m a huge fan of Arrested Development and Scott Pilgrim. He is one funny dude. But, I think a lot of the humor from him comes from the fact that he’s so awkward. Also, although it’s weird to say this about another fella, I think he’s charming because he’s so disarming. So, I usually take this as a mixed bag compliment. But, really, I have gotten the comparison a number of times. And on dates, too.

There I am, trying to be funny and charming and cool, and they say, “ok, Cera.”

BUT! This time I got some good advice from The Storyteller:

“Start coming up with an immediate funny comparison comeback that leaves her thinking hey he really is a witty, funny guy and humble too.”

That is much better than my usual response of shrugging and saying, “yeah … ok.”

So if there’s a girl out there who likes the awkward charm of a three-legged puppy – give me a call some time.

Category:

Weekly Wacko

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Attn: Ellen (5/9/12)

Front


Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

Here’s my crack at the guy’s internal monologue:

“Man, she’s hot … Except maybe too literally … Yep, the ability to light yourself on fire is a con … But she called me handsome!! … Eh, she did kill those kids … But she owns a lot of form-fitting clothes!! …”

Sincerely,
DumbFunnery.com

P.S. Will they go on a third date!? Yes. Yes they will.

Why am I sending these postcards?

Category:

Attn: Ellen

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