The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘Short Short Story’

Fish

From the Bible, Matthew 15:35-15:36, “He [Jesus] told the crowd [4000 people] to sit down on the ground. Then he took the seven loaves and the fish, and when he had given thanks, he broke them and gave them to the disciples, and they in turn to the people. They all ate, and were satisfied.”

Original Fish: Wow! What is happening here?

Second Fish: Hey buddy! Aren’t you a handsome fella! (Laughs.)

Original: STOP THIS! STOP THIS MADNESS!

14th Fish: You know, normally I don’t like big crowds – but this group I feel like I can get along with. (Laughs.)

Original: Why? Why is someone cloning so many of me!

30th Fish: Is it a little hot in here or is it just all of you! (Laughs.)

Original: You know – you’d think someone would have a little respect for nature, and how God made us – but this guy here is just recreating me willy-nilly.

42nd Fish: Hey let’s sing row-row-row your boat! Staggered start-times and everything! Ready? Row-row-row your boat …

Original: Why would someone even clone so many of many?! What is the purpose?!

100th Fish: Oh how embarrassing – we’re all wearing the same thing! (Laughs.)

Random Human: Let’s eat!

Original: Oh.

Now you know why fish have that googly-eyed shock look all the time. Buh-dum-dum!

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Short Short Stories

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Kill the Scouts

Whenever I see an ant or maybe two walking around in my apartment I think, These are the scouts! They’re going to head back to the home base and tell them, “come quick! Homeboy’s got chocolate covered raisins!” At this point I decide to kill them. Sometimes though I kill just one and toy with the other for a while.

The next night another two ants will be back. Again, I think to myself.

What do I have to do to these guys! Didn’t I squish that other ant angrily enough? Don’t they get the message!

What I hadn’t considered was that maybe these ants came on purpose.

Night After I Killed the First Ant

Survivor Ant: I’m back! Everybody I’m back.
Rest of Ant Community: Hey that’s great, now get to work.
Survivor: No! Listen, I’ve got to warn you –
Jerk Ant: Shut up. Get to work you dumb, lazy yokel.
Survivor: But I’ve got to warn –
Jerk Ant: (mimicking) I’ve got to warn. (normal voice) Wah wah wah. No one cares.
Survivor: Dude. Shhh. Come here. I just ate so much sugar I lifted 52 times my own weight.
Jerk Ant: (unsure) Yeah … whatever …
Survivor: Listen. You’ve always been a jerk to me and I … I don’t know I just had kinda hoped that I could get you to like me if I took you to the magical land of sugar.
Jerk Ant: Pssht. Magical land of sugar. You’re so lame.
Survivor: Yeah. But I know where there’s lots of sugar.
Jerk Ant: … Yeah ok. Take me there. Tomorrow night I’ll ask to be a scout like you.

Unfortunately, I don’t know how to tell the difference between a jerk ant, and a regular ant. That’s why, when the scout ants come back for a second night I just kill them both.

 

🙂 The End 🙂

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Short Short Stories

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A Penny Saved is a Penny Earned

On this political night I’ll share a story that is rarely told about Abraham Lincoln. Yes, it makes him seem sexist, but it is a fake story.

In other news – DANG IT! The shuttle launch was delayed til Thursday which is the day I fly back so I’m shafted. DARN YOU NASA!!!

 

The origin of this phrase points to several possible sources. Shockingly, none of them tell this story. Allow me to relate my personal favorite theory behind ‘a penny saved is a penny earned.’

It was during the peak of the Civil War and Abraham Lincoln was with some Union soldiers. The soldiers were, of course, very nervous to be standing near such a great man. Also one of the soldiers had a rather odd fear of tall people, so he was particularly nervous.

Another soldier came running up to the group of soldiers, who were his friends.

“I just saved a girl’s life! She’s the most beautiful girl and I – Oh!,” the soldier stopped short when he noticed the gangly President. “Sir, I apologize!,” the soldier cried out.

“Dude, chill,” Lincoln said. “What’s the chick’s name?”

“Ah … Penny, sir,” the soldier replied, equally flustered and proud.

“So …,” Lincoln said, encouragingly.

“So?,” the soldier said, unaware of Lincoln’s intent.

“Well, give us more details. What’s she like? She married? Don’t leave us hanging man, it’s a total dude-fest out here, I could use a good story to cheer me up,” Lincoln said eloquently.

“Oh, uh … well, she’s not married, sir. And uh … she seems nice, um …” The soldier tried to think of more to say.

“Bro. Listen,” Lincoln started out, getting more courage as he spoke, “she’s gotta be totally smitten with you right now. Just like, boom, that dude is hot because he saved my life. It’s time to GET that mess!”

The soldiers all shared glances, wanting to make very sure of Lincoln’s meaning.

“Guys,” Lincoln shook his head and chuckled at their obtuse minds, “a Penny saved is a Penny earned.”

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