The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘silly’

Signs You Are Unique and Special Parents

Lady: You get pregnant while still a virgin
Fella: You don’t get angry at the lady, you believe her and stick by her side
Random people show up with gifts right after you give birth and you don’t say, ‘uh, excuse me, fellas? Yeah, you, beard-y types. Could you please leave? I JUST gave birth, I’m a little tired.’
Your child begins talking to crowds about pretty radical and crazy ideas and you don’t pull said child aside and say, ‘uhhh, buddy? Let’s have a little talk about social norms, k?’
When your child was young and sometimes sulked and you would say, ‘hey mister, quit turning that water into whine’ and then he grows up and … just, woah.
You give your child a small snack, just enough to tide over til dinner time, and suddenly the whole neighborhood is full.

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Halloween!

It’s Halloween today. (If you weren’t already aware of that, this post is probably fairly meaningless to you.)
Don’t have a costume? Don’t have any minute to spare to pick up whatever is left on the shelves at your closest store with costumes? Don’t worry! Here are five last minute costume ideas that’ll turn heads, make your mamma proud, and raise self-awareness!
  1. Sailor on shore leave
    Dress in jeans, a polo, and a pair of sneakers (for the fellas) … ladies, I don’t know, same thing?
    Tell people you just got off a boat that you’d been on for 10 months, and maybe do an impression of a fog horn, also throw out an ‘aye matey’ or two just because.
    Caution: People may accuse you of just wearing casual Friday work clothes, but that’s an ok thing to be accused of because that’s exactly what you’ll be doing.
  2. Someone’s Dream
    Don’t go to any parties, if people text or call say, “you’ve got to chase ME, man, I don’t just come to you.”
    Likelihood someone gets this? 0.1%
    But if someone does, you should probably marry that person or start phasing that person out of your life.
  3. Donald Trump
    Have a stuffed animal cat? Grab it aggressively, walk around talking about a wall, and say things like, “I’m not racist, but …”
    Con: Way too many people will be doing this.
    Pro: People seem to enjoy obvious comedy.
  4. Old McDonald
    Dress as slovenly and poorly as possible, whatever that means to you and your closet/dresser/corner of your room. Also bring a bottle of liquor, maybe even pour some on yourself to really commit to the costume.
    We all know the song – ‘Old McDonald had a farm …’ Yeah, he HAD a farm.
    Have fun with it: What happened to Old McDonald’s farm? Do you hate the government now? Was it booze? Gambling? Aliens? Tell a new story to every person you meet!
  5. Yourself from one day in the future
    Dress however you want, but tell everyone how amazing your costume was yesterday, and then explain how woeful it is that you are from one day in the future.
    Seriously?: Yeah, I’m out of ideas.
    …: Look, it’s just a few hours til kids arrive with candy, get cracking on that costume!
6-compelling-grumpy-cat-plush-toy-uk-warrior-cat-plush-toys-grumpy-cat-plush-toys-r-us-big-the-cat-plush-toys-cat-toys-plush-ball-toys-felix-the-cat-plush-toys-pete-the-cat-plush-toys-cat-plush

Afraid you’ll go to a party and not know anyone and just feel out of place? Bring a stuffed animal – have your costume be the weirdo in the corner cuddling with a stuffed animal!

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Well Done, Ham Industry

I’ve never been a fan of ham. Some foods that I disliked as a child I enjoy now, like broccoli, lettuce, salad, tomatoes, etc. But ham has always been on my no thanks list.

And YET, even knowing that I don’t enjoy it, I still see the names of ham products at the grocery store and can’t help but think, mmm, that sounds good.

  • Honey Baked Ham
    • Are you kidding me? That sounds amazing!
  • Black Forest Ham
    • Is Robin Hood himself delivering this ham to me?, because that’s what the title implies in my mind.
  • Mystical Ham Boat
    • I just made this up, but you’d buy it, wouldn’t you?
  • In French the word ham is ‘jambon’
    • Jambon! Jam on! It’s like Michael Jackson himself couldn’t help but randomly say ‘ham!’ while singing (perhaps he messed up the pronunciation).

I tip my hat to you, ham industry. I can’t wait to see what you come up with next.

And let’s not forget about this walking advertisement.

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