The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘lesbian’

Messing With Mike Pence

You know how Mike Pence is famously stupid? Especially in regard to homosexual people, and women?

I really hope there are at least a few White House staffers who are mildly intelligent and seizing this opportunity. Just THINK of the insane stereotypes you could make up and he would believe!

Especially about lesbians, because they represent the common area of the Venn diagram of topics where Mike Pence has reached a critical mass level of stupid.

  • Tell him that lesbians ONLY use spoons … And then prove it by saying, ‘have you ever SEEN a lesbian eating a steak?’
  • Tell him that gay men are 70% more likely to own pet lizards, and you’ll see some weird new Indiana lizard tax
  • Tell him that it’s time to re-read the Bible and recognize that he’s got a few things wrong, and that it’s ok that he’s gay and to quit expressing his repression in such awful ways
  • Tell him that his weird mildly constipated, he’s feeling better than / the room is too bright look has been co-opted by the gay community and he’s going to have to find a new resting face
alphabet arts and crafts conceptual creativity

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

Advertisements

Attn: Ellen (1/11/12)

Front


Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

What a cute lesbian couple on this postcard. Sure the roleplay where one of them is dressed as a cowboy is unexpected, but it’s cute all the same.

Sincerely,
DumbFunnery.com

Awkward Quick Hits

I went to a big meeting and asked a question which was not a question but really more of a complaint about the current setup for the project the meeting was about. Later that day I was walking to the bathroom, and from the other end of the hallway my boss’s boss was also walking there. He said, “you troublemaker!” I laughed and went in the bathroom. Then he came in. We ended up sitting in stalls next to each other … I wanted to either undo  my being in the bathroom or shout, “HERE COMES TROUBLE!”

I was hanging out with a friend, along with her girlfriend and another friend of ours. My friend said something about liking chick-chick flicks. Then she asked if I knew what that meant. I assumed it meant a really girly chick flick, but then something about how she asked made me think – wait, “she’s talking about girl-on-girl porn??” Then, after I mentioned porn, she became embarrassed for me and explained that chick-chick flicks are a romance movie where the two characters who fall in love (not lust) are girls. Whoops.

I went out on the town with some friends and was introduced to friends of my friend with this – “This is Brad, he’s a really crazy dancer.” The response from one guy was, “I can tell by his bone structure!” Later the three of us walked over to a group of girls to try and muster up the courage to talk to them (I talk a big game and say ‘let’s do it!’ then I chicken out). While we’re standing there a girl came up and asked if we had a lighter for her cigarette. We said no, then the friend-of-friend said, “this guy’s dance moves will light a fire though!” Then the two friends and the girl stared at me. I stared back – too much pressure! – and did nothing.  (But that line of his still cracks me up.)

And I’ll end with a brag – I was very proud of this little joke of mine. Two friends of mine and I headed to lunch one day, and when we arrived we got out of the car. There was a construction site nearby and a man was banging something metallic on something else metallic. I said, “that is the worst steel drum band I have ever heard!” (Actually I said that’s the worst Jamaican band I’ve ever heard – but I’ve revised the joke now that I have time and can remember what I intended to say.)

%d bloggers like this: