The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Archive for the ‘Animal Facts’ Category

Animal Facts! (Addax, Peacock, Okapi, Blue and Gold Macaw)

Addax

Finds your narrow-minded opinions more offensive than old people.

Whenever he does a mad lib he picks ‘awesome’d’ for the verb. For example, “Joe awesome’d his way to the store.’

Surprisingly nimble. Only instead of surprising it’s ‘not at all.’ And instead of nimble it’s ‘intelligent.’

At work he has one of those random fact books in his cube. When someone new starts and asks where the fax machine is he takes him to his book and says, “what do you want to know?!” Terrible. Just, terrible.

References former good points he’s made when trying to make a point.

 

Peacock

More crazy than Woody Allen.

Skypes with his grandma.

Wants to get away for the weekend, and only wants to bring three things: a sleeping bag, wine, and you. Oh yeah and a TV. Maybe some Fritos too.

Was on the third season of Mad Men before realizing ‘Mad’ in the title didn’t mean angry.

Has the best sarcastic applause.

 

Okapi

Leaves the funniest voicemails!

Is going to get, “I should’ve picked door number 2” on his epitaph.

Doesn’t ask if you want to see a movie or a flick, asks if you “would like to accompany him to the cinema.” I don’t think it’s necessary to tell you that he doesn’t see movies with friends very often.

Just discovered how to turn garbage into gold! Gold!! GOLD!!!

Even though he’s straight, always ends up with pet names like, ‘buttercup’ or ‘cupcake’ in the relationship.

 

Blue and Gold Macaw

Could eat up his weight in groceries.

“Ugh! Don’t look at me, I am so breaking out right now!”

Was tutored in math starting in the fourth grade. (You didn’t hear it from me, but still failed algebra!)

Name always comes up as misspelled in spellchecker.

Wants to have two boys and two girls. And their names will be Cecil, Curtis, Lisa, and Lesbian. Nah, kidding about that last one. Leslie, not Lesbian.

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Animal Facts! (Lory, Nubian Ibex, Fossa, Butterfly…ish)

Lory

Make spinach and artichoke dip whenever ‘Braveheart’ is on. They call it, ‘Spinach and Brave-Heartichoke dip.’

Ha ha ha ha ha. Seriously? SERIOUSLY?? HA!

Legs that go for … hours. Zing!

Oh my GOD! I totally just remembered he went out with Becky in fifth grade!

Owe thousands in back taxes.

Bonus Fact!: CRAPPED ON ME!

Nubian Ibex

Is simply maaaaahvelous!

Deliberately says “tapas” in a fuzzy way so you can’t tell if he said tapas or topless.

If he was a book, he’d be in the “Clearance Sale” section.

Wears a t-shirt that says, “Weather is here, wish you were beautiful” at least once a week.

Gets off at 5 today, and then … who knows! (Probably a nap.)

Fossa

Love to play on the word ‘bro.’ Like before going out you’ll likely hear, ‘and away we bro!’ If they get a pep talk, instead of a simple ‘thanks’ it’ll be, ‘dude, you’re my wonder bro.’ Get it? Like a wonder bra. But it’s bro.

“In mine country, mine papa … he would catch the fish! And in mine country! Mine brother, the second one! He would …” (Ugh. Coolest accent. Worst storyteller.)

Loves pistachios almost as much as he hates minorities.

God’s gift to gab.

When he eats chocolate he says “GOD-iva!” He says the ‘God’ part like he’s in the throws of passion. It’d be funny but he’s never actually eaten Godiva chocolate.

Butterfly…ish

Own a cowboy hat with glitter on it.

Lies like a Swedish politician.

Sweats. A lot. It’s adorable. If you’re into sweat.

Uses the word boob as a noun, adjective and verb.

Knows things, maaaaan.

Bonus Fact!: I was trying to take a picture of a butterfly in the butterfly exhibit when this lady’s leg got in the way.

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Animal Facts! (Racing Piglets, Prize Winning Cow, Black Panther, Parrot)

Racing Piglets

(note: I took this picture at the Texas State Fair. The pigs had names like ‘Jean Claude van Ham.’)

Had a dream about you last night.

Rates the opposite sex as either: ‘me-ow’ or ‘woof.’

Hey, it’s been real. You know, it’s been fun too. It’s been real … fun …

Own leather pants. I mean … come on … how hysterical is that?

Oh gag me. Just ulghhh. Blehhhh. Blech!

Prize Winning Cow

Would sell his soul to the devil for … you guessed it … a ham sandwich.

Says things that are accidentally funny all the time.

In high school was in a crappy band called “band-wagon.”

Wrote an autobiography of himself and called it My Sparknotes. In the ‘motif’ section he has, “rejection, loneliness, massive amounts of ice cream.”

Calls himself “Rudy, but for chess instead of football.” If you think about it, that’s pretty self-insulting – because Rudy was too small for football, and it’s not your physical size that matters for chess.

Black Panther

Doesn’t understand why contractions mean don’t and won’t, but it also means frightening things for pregnant women.

OMFG!!!! Oh wait, sorry, thought you were someone else.

If pressed, would guess that Paula Deen is 57% butter.

Is very fast to correct you if you say “Barnes & Nobles.” It’s, apparently, “Barnes & Noble.”

Took a break from working to write a lovely note to his girlfriend. Unfortunately, because he’d just been coding in C++, started the comment with ‘//.’

Parrot

Favorite pick-up line is: “Join now and save 10%.”

Is looking down on you right now.

Feels like there probably is a Heaven and Hell. But worries he won’t get into either.

Simply can NOT believe … about whatever stupid latest celebrity news is.

Likes the crusts cut off, thank you very much.

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