The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Attn: Ellen (2/6/13)

Front

Ellen DeGeneres Star Wars

Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

Ellen DeGeneres Star Wars

The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

Can you blame him? Can you really blame Yoda for being so angry? The “smallest hands”? Come on. It’s Star Wars! There are bound to be smaller hands! Or maybe it’s the fate thing. Or maybe indigestion. I don’t know.

I’m just spit balling here.

Sincerely,
DumbFunnery.com

Why am I doing this?

(Ring … ring … ring …)
Dad: Hey Lisa, how are you!?
Lisa: Dad! I’m GREAT!
Dad: Wow, you do sound excited! What’s got you in such a good mood?
Lisa: (Giggles) Well … Want to grab mom?
Dad: That big, huh!? Yeah, I’ll grab her. Julie! … JULIE!
Lisa: Dad the house isn’t that big, you can just –
Dad: JULIE!
Mom: What?
Lisa: … (Exhales)
Dad: Lisa’s on the phone! She’s got great news!
Mom: She’s got great booze? Hold on, let me pick up the phone.
Dad: Mom wants to know if you have great booze.
(Click.)
Mom: Hello?
Lisa: Booze?
Dad: Hey! Everyone’s here!
Mom: You called home to talk about booze?
Dad: Is that your news? News about booze?
Mom: Honey are you ok?
Lisa: Agh! Stop it! No! I have great NEWS.
Mom: Ohhhh … Good … And it’s not about booze, right?
Lisa: No, mom, it’s not about booze.
Mom: Good.
Lisa: Ok … ready?
Mom: Yes!
Dad: Yes!
Lisa: I … am … going to be … in a BIG BUDGET MOVIE!!
Mom: That’s GREAT!
Dad: All right!!!
Lisa: I know! I’m super super excited! It’s an Adam Sandler movie, so it’s not like it’s the brainiest thing ever but –
Dad: Oh he’s famous!
Mom: Yeah, I’ve heard of him! He’s very famous!
Lisa: Yeah, he’s famous, I mean, it’s not like it’s an intelligent movie or anything –
Dad: Is it Happy Gilmore?
Mom: Oh, Happy Gilmore Two? Happy Gil-even-more?
Dad: Oh I like that! Are you his daughter?
Lisa (Annoyed)… Can I talk? Please?
Dad: Yes. Sorry.
Lisa: … Ok … So … It’s just a small role, but I’m going to be in the COMMERCIAL for the movie too! How crazy is that!?
Dad: Wow! Honey, that is SO GREAT!
Mom: We are SO proud of you, darling!
Lisa: Thanks guys!
Mom: So what role do you play? Do you have to go … what’s it called … study someone and learn to be like them?
Lisa: Um … well … I think it’s more … Hollywood is tricky, you know? Like you do something that’s pretty trivial, (speaking very quickly) and maybe a little bit demeaning, and then all the sudden you’re KNOWN! And you get a little bit better role next time! And the time after that! And soon you can be choosy!
Dad: …
Mom: … Honey, what kind of movie did you say this was?
Lisa: It’s a comedy! I just …
Dad: What’s your part in the movie?
Lisa: (Big sigh) I um … I jog by … In slow motion and …
Dad: …
Mom: …
Lisa: Um … and I … just … look like … a lady.

Really, how does this conversation go?

On Netflix instant play they now have The X-Files. What a show, am I right!?

I didn’t watch The X-Files when it first came on TV because, frankly, it scared me. And you know what? It still kind of scares me.

I remember living in Kansas, hanging out in the basement playing the game Myst on the family computer and my brother and sister watching The X-Files. The soundtrack for that show made the game creepy to me. I can’t think of the game Myst without still getting an unsettling, creeped out vibe (Myst is a game where you solve puzzles, there are no other characters – so it’s really not the best candidate for being creepy).

While I was in college my dog and I went to my family’s cabin for a week, and it was glorious. Just Chaser and I hanging out, reading, taking naps, going on walks, eating junk food (me, not her). I look up at that time with the happiest of memories. Except for one day. One unfortunate day.

An X-Files marathon was on TV. I sat down and started watching and oh, they were good episodes. (Weren’t they all!) Chaser was dreaming of the squirrels that were outside eating from the bird feeder (my grandma hated those squirrels) and I was watching episode after episode. Then something unfortunate happened: the sun set. Suddenly those four or five episodes were a terrible idea. Because you know what’s creepy? Episodes that start in the woods somewhere with an alien or some mutated human thing and you’re watching the show BY YOURSELF (Chaser was the opposite of a guard dog) in the woods!

I decided to start watching something else, but the damage was done. I grabbed a golf club and everywhere I went, the golf club came too. Anytime Chaser heard something and her little ears perked up, the golf club was at the ready. It was a long night.

Anywho … I’m now watching this show from the beginning and I really like it. Although it still kind of scares me. One unfortunate, unexpected side-effect is I want to talk about it with people. The problem is most people won’t want to talk about this crazy episode from 1992. This reminds me of a Jim Gaffigan bit.

See you later, blogosphere, I’m going back to The X-Files!