DumbFunnery

Dear Fan (Fans?),

I apologize for my absence these past two weeks. I would tell you what I was up to, but it wouldn’t interest you. Instead I’ll tell you a made up story about what I was up to. The benefit here is this story will make me look adventurous, daring, and slightly less gangly.

***

“HA!” I shouted triumphantly from the top of the mountain. “They said I couldn’t do it – but I’ve got the panic-stricken 911 call to prove it!” Then I looked around and realized I had just had my first psychic moment.

Yes, self, you ARE about to call 911.

“WHERE AM I!?,” I shouted with a debonair and aloof attitude, quickly transitioning into crying.

“Sir, please calm down,” the 911 operator responded, clearly flirting with me.

“Why did I think climbing a mountain drunk would prove a point?” I asked this question because I really had no idea. Why DID I think that?

“Sir, you are on a mountain?” The dense 911 operator asked.

“Maybe …” Now it’s my turn to flirt. Be coy, be cool, be totally hipsville.

“Are you on a mountain? Are you ok?” So much worry, and we’ve just met. This operator sure does come on strong.

“I’m fine. But wait, here’s a hypothetical question. Can you actually throw up a lung? Because I may have just done that.” I knew I wasn’t fooling the operator by saying the word hypothetical, but I was hoping to fool myself. Seriously – is that a lung? That’s when I realized you have two lungs, so I immediately began to worry less. Fail-safe backups for everyone! Quickly I threw out a brilliant business proposition to the operator, “two hearts! Why not two hearts!?”

“Sir we need to locate you. You seem to be dehydrated, delirious, and stupid.” This operator was feisty! Ooh la la!

Dehydrated? I scanned my mental dictionary and located the word. Dang. In an effort to drink more booze I had emptied out a lot of my brain and gotten rid of this word. My mental dictionary had this note:

Dehydrated: see, doctor. ha ha ha. you’ll get this later you stupid drunk.

“Well,” I said to the operator, not remembering what was last said, “baseball season is here. How about that, huh?” I thought this was pretty clever.

“Can you describe to me where you are, sir? Have you been drinking?” Suddenly this was a bad first date. So many questions! Let’s focus on you, operator.

I looked around to get my bearings, and I was looking at the world.

Wait, it’s a map of the world.

Wait, it’s my shower curtain.

Oh, tequila. You mynx!

I had to think up something clever to say to the operator. Something to keep my lofty status that I’d already established intact. To go from a mountain top to a bathroom tub? That’s not cool. Think!, I thought to myself.

That’s when I thought of an inspiration – Lando Calrissian. He would know what to say!

“Say, when the cops get here, tell them to bring the popcorn – and I’ll bring the show.” Based on how cool I felt when I said that, I think a cape temporarily appeared and draped my shoulders. Lando to the rescue.

*Click.* The phone was off. Smooth operator.

I again took my bearings and realized I fit nicely in the bathtub. Why? Because I am not gangly.

Then some other stuff happened and it took 2 weeks.

The End

Addendum: All of this was a lie. Especially the part about fitting nicely in a bathtub. I am gangly.