The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘comedy’

My Zombie Roomy (8/2/11)

I think the Zombie actually did manage to somehow combine with a werewolf. Is there some website he used for this? Or maybe a bulletin board at the local college?

“Unkempt, antisocial (except for during dinner), night owl seeks same. Hoping to hear from you.”

The reason I say this about a werewolf is because the Zombie has been attacking squirrels and birds lately. More dog than werewolf, but I figure it sounds cooler to talk about my Zombie-wolf roommate than my Zombie roommate who is dog-like.

It’s actually really annoying though. I hope this weird dog-thing wears off soon. Do you have any idea how annoying zombie pigeons are? I’ll tell you – they’re exactly as annoying as regular pigeons but they CAN’T DIE!

I may need to consider moving, it’s rough out here.

How to Make a Keanu Reeves Worthy Plot

Pick a word for each of the following categories:

  • Energy source (i.e. gasoline, hydroelectric, solar, etc).
  • Synonym of hug.
  • Method of transportation.
  • Weather word (i.e. stormy, windy, sunny, etc).
  • Food item.
  • Blue collar job.
  • Nickname that you would call someone when you know that you should know their name but you forgot it (i.e. sport, buckaroo, buddy, etc).

Keanu Reeves stars in this summer’s BEST ACTION FLICK.

(Energy Source + Hug Synonym)

Keanu Reeves Stars as (nickname for person you should know) Jones, a nice guy who loves his (blue collar job) and his simple life. And then (food + weather word) comes along and DESTROYS HIS WORLD. With his world destroyed, (nickname) Jones turns to drinks. He is drinking himself into oblivion when he stumbles on the secret that (food + weather word) didn’t just happen on (nickname) Jones. He was chosen.

Drunkenly (nickname) Jones announces his intentions to stop the evil (food + weather word) to his favorite watering hole and heads home. When he wakes up in handcuffs next to Chesty “Heart of Gold” McBarback, another victim of (food + weather word)’s, you know it’s on. Now it’s up to (nickname) Jones and Chesty to get to the bottom of (food + weather word)’s scheme – without getting themselves killed.

Did we mention there will be exploding (method of transportation)? And Chesty, don’t forget about her.

Fin.

Post the fill in the blank words you picked! What do you think, Keanu?

Animal Facts! (Meerkat, Clouded Leopard, Southern Bald Eagle, Conch)

Meerkat


Favorite phrase, by necessity, is “I could’ve sworn someone told me ‘pants optional.'”

Hits on girls by saying even if he can’t touch their treasure CHEST, he’s still going to think about ways to get that BOOTY.

Tickle fight champion of the world.

Makes the best BLT. It’s his own recipe. What he does, see, is leaves off the L and the T. Now, who doesn’t want one of those inspired meals?

After he got his braces off he got sick of everyone asking him how it “feels to have straight teeth!?” He started replying, “try as you might, my teeth will always be gay!”

Clouded Leopard

Is part of a nested state machine, if you know what I mean …

Just spawned some threads, if you catch my drift …

Is implemented with the latest versions, and I think you know what I’m talking about …

Integrates well with your tool suite, and I’ll leave it at that …

Is in the process of revolutionizing embedded systems, if you catch what I’m throwing …

Southern Bald Eagle

Despite all the no’s he’s received – still convinced a transsexual transcontinental airline would be a big hit.

Went on a date with an optometrist and ended the night with a kiss. He quickly said, “one.” Then another kiss, followed by saying “two”. Then he said, “Which is better? Would you like to see one again?” There was no second date.

Is obviously biased towards what is obviously correct. His words, not mine.

His feelings about this could be summed up with just one finger …

About to go bowl his heart out.

Conch

Whenever he walks by a construction site and hears the clanging noises he pretends it’s the world’s worst steel drum band.

Personality best compared to cut off jeans shorts.

Yells out “make mama proud” at the worst possible times. Finds this very, very amusing.

Verifiably fabulous.

Has a pair of black chino pants that he calls his rappachinos. It’s not clever enough to justify the racism, but it’s ok because he’s racist.