The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘dumb’

Hey Neighbor

Hey neighbor,

I wanted to write a note to say thank you again, and also to apologize. (aka my wife told me to – just kidding!, I really did want to.)

It was great of you to invite us to your home, and what a great way for your family to meet the neighborhood! I should not have said “woah, Stockholm Syndrome is really effective!” when you introduced me to your spouse. As I’m sure you’re aware, not everyone gets hung up about looks.

Your story about high school and being the student council president and what you learned from that experience was sensitive, touching and great. With time I have come to the realization that I should have expressed my sympathies rather than making a joke. Then again, sometimes a joke can lighten the mood, and I bet even you would have laughed if you’d have gotten the joke.

You see, Danny Devito is an actor and veto means to reject something, so when I said, “did you DeVeto that?” I was implying you’re like Danny Devito. That’s a compliment, he’s famous you know. And yes, obviously I know you’re a woman! Or, if I didn’t, I do now. Just kidding!

Your neighbor,
Doug

P.S. My wife has advised me that this letter may be just as offensive as I was at your party and that I should not send this … BUT, to be honest, it’s probably just going to get more creatively mean the more I try.

P.P.S. I look forward to your next party!

Category:

Short Short Stories

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Attn: Ellen (4/16/14)

Front

Ellen166a

Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

Ellen166b

The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

I think a good test to see if someone is creepy would be to ask the question, “if you woke up on a carousel and no one was around, how would you feel?” If the person wouldn’t be afraid – run.

Another good test to determine how creepy would be to see if they ever ask the above question.

Sincerely,
DumbFunnery.com

Why am I doing this?

Category:

Attn: Ellen

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Outsmarting Nature

In preparation for a camping trip I recently took I managed to outsmart nature with some pretty clever tricks. Here are just three examples of my flashes of brilliance:

1. I shaved all of the hair off my body. All of it. Animals are no dummies, predatory ones would take one look at my abnormal, hairless self and think, “that stuff looks like it’s gone bad. That is not good eatin.'”

2. I used a photo editor to create images of terrifying animals, I printed those out, and then I hung them around the campsite. Animals, seeing these images, would know to flee. The most intimidating one was either the shark with burly human legs or the 10,000 pound duckbill platypus. (I had a note on the picture indicating the scale. The animals probably sensed that rather than actually read it.)

3. In true freak-out-like-that-scene-in-Predator-style, I would randomly shoot about 300 bullets at anything around me while shrieking in pure fear.

You will be happy to know I survived the camping trip.

Experienced Camper

If this isn’t the look of someone who knows what he’s doing … Then it’s a picture of me.

Category:

Du Jour of the Week, Pictures

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