The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘dumb’

James Noguchi, My Unfortunate (imaginary) Friend

What would happen if I had a friend named James Noguchi, and he and I went to a party.

James: Hey, check her out.
Me: Who?
James: The chick, dude. Check her out.
Me: She looks sociable. Gross.
James: You’re a loser. Come on, I’m going to talk with her.
Me: What? Why do I have to come? I can stand here and pretend to text while you go do that.
James: Dork. Come on. You and I will talk about something stupid and then ask her about her opinion.
Me: That’s your move?
James: What’s your move?
Me: Using the internet.
James (judging eyes)

(Walking toward the girl.)

James: (loudly) I just don’t think, if I could pick any non-traditional super-hero power … that I would pick the ability to tell exactly how much sodium my meal contains.
Me: And I think it’s very important to know how much sodium my meal has.
James: You can’t look at the label?
Me: Food has labels?
James: (to the girl) What do you think?
Girl: He’s got a point, labels are boring.
Me: See? Another illiterate person at this party, finally.
Girl (pity laugh)
James: (glaring at me) Don’t mind Brad, he doesn’t get out much.
Girl (laughs)
James: I’m James Noguchi.
Me: Wait, what about some guchi?
James: Not now, Brad.
Me: Please? Just a tiny bit of guchi?
Girl: I don’t get it.
James: My last name is Noguchi … Brad pretends it’s No. Guchi.
Me: ALL I WANT IS A LITTLE GUCHI!
Girl: …
James: I hate you Brad.
Me: Fine. No guchi. You win. You’re a hell of a negotiator, Noguchi.
Girl: I think my friend’s waving at me to meet some other people. Nice to meet you guys!
James: I seriously hate you Brad.
Me: Looks like I’m getting all the Noguchi I want tonight. Want to head to my place and play video games?

 

(There’s a guy at work with the last name Noguchi. I walked by, saw his last name, and immediately thought, “how about a little guchi? Please? Just some guchi?”)

Category:

Short Short Stories

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Attn: Ellen (6/8/11)

Front



Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

The text of the postcard is:

Dear Ellen,

I love wildflowers. They’re like nature’s version of finding a dollar in your pocket.

Sincerely,
DumbFunnery.com

Category:

Attn: Ellen

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Birthday Card/Sympathy Card/Congratulations on the New Baby Card

Do you have a friend with a birthday coming up? Or need to express sympathy? Or have a friend with a new kiddo? Not sure what to get your friend? How about start with a nice card – and I’ve designed just the card for you.

Front:

Inside:

For birthdays – this card has led to a hug in 7 out of every 8 cases.

For sympathy – cathartic tears were cried 127% of the time (nearby people also began crying upon seeing this card, resulting in a percent of criers exceeding 100%).

For the new baby – it is not yet known what the effects of this card are, but go for it and let us know how it works.

Note: please DO NOT give this card as a congratulations on graduating gift. In 90% of test cases the recent graduate, upon receiving this card, became a carny. The weight-guessing kind of carny.

Category:

Du Jour of the Week, Pictures

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