The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘humor’

Wedding Guest List Assumptions

I don’t know if you’ve gotten married, or graduated from high school or college, but for me those occasions are marked by one thing in common: sending announcements to people I don’t know because my mom told me to.

The announcements are sent not with the expectation of a person or family attending, but just as a “Hey check out it, we were friends once, and my son is older and things are going on in his life. Just FYI.”

Not that I would find this funny at that moment, but in retrospect I would really find it funny if something happened and NOT ONE person I have invited who I expect to be there actually shows up … But EVERY person I send an invite to not expecting to show up is in attendance.

Wouldn’t that be fun?

Me: “Hey thank you all so much for coming out and sharing this day with us! It means so much to see you here, um …”
My Mom (to me): “That’s Lisa. She drove me to the hospital when I was in labor with you.”
Me (to my mom): “Oh cool, so you guys have remained buddies?”
Lisa: “Which kid is this? This is your oldest?”
Me: “…Uh … Thanks for coming out Lisa!”

The fiancé: “Brad and I just want to thank you so much for being here! We’re so lucky to have so many people who are so important to Brad be here with us!”
My Mom (to Miss Fiancé and I): “That’s Kurt. When Brad had a see-saw incident and got one of his teeth stuck in his lip he was the admitting nurse. He had this really funny joke. What was it?”
Kurt: “What time is it? Tooth-hurty?”
My Mom: “…Oh, maybe he just says that all the time.”

Family: “Brad, we’re so happy to be here! We remember when you flooded our living room in an attempt to re-create a scene you saw from a commercial for GI Joes.”
Me: “Haha oh wow … Yeah, I am so sorry about that. Thanks for coming out – ”
Family: “We brought the bill for the water damage.”
Me: “Oh yeah, sure, my mom has it in her purse. She’s over there.”

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Du Jour of the Week

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Attn: Ellen (7/23/14)

Front

Ellen DeGeneres Postcard

Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

Ellen DeGeneres Postcard

The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

This week, in “The Adventures of Being Engaged,” I learned that there is a product called a ‘Silicone Wisk.’ This is not another way of saying trophy wife but instead a kitchen tool.

Sincerely,
DumbFunnery.com

Why am I doing this?

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Attn: Ellen

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The Least Favorite Judge

Contestant 1

Heidi Klum (kindly): Tell us about yourself!
Contestant (confidently): Well, I’m going to juggle … while dancing!
Howard Stern (inconsequentially): I once electrocuted a football player … Maybe that’s why they call me a shock jock!
(Person starts to perform.)
Nick Cannon (whispering): I can dance, sure, but juggling AND dancing!?
(Person finishes. It had juggling. And dancing.)
Howie Mandel (enthusiastically): That was incredible! And what I loved most was that you didn’t touch me because I hate germs!
(Audience laughs.)
The Existential Judge (devoid of emotion): What was the point?
Contestant (boldly): To entertain America!
The Existential Judge (as though his heart is made of stone): No, I mean of your existence. Of everyone’s existence.
(Audience boos.)

Contestant 2

The British One (adorably): I love tea! What do you do, love?
Contestant (adorably-er): We are going to tap dance the national anthem.
Howie Mandel (germ-free): Let’s see it!
(Group performs, audience loves it. Some people are crying for some reason.)
Heidi Klum (somehow … sincerely?): I didn’t think it could be done, but I love America even more now!
(Audience goes wild.)
The Existential Judge (with a soul that has been replaced by an ocean so deep, in a cave so dark, it makes you question your sanity): Sure, that was nice … But if there is a so-called ‘kind’ God, why does evil exist?
(Audience gasps.)
Contestant: U-S-A! U-S-A!
(Crowd joins in.)

Contestant 3

Contestant (wearing a low cut shirt): Hello, I’m a comedienne … And a magician. But I guess my main joke is my whole act itself.
(Audience recoils from the brutal honesty.)
Contestant: Kidding!
(Audience recovers and cat calls due to the shirt, or maybe the twist ending … But probably the shirt)
Howard Stern (with an air of embracing sexism): Honey, I love your … personality! You should come on my show sometime!
(Contestant performs. Audience loves it.)
The Existential Judge (with a tone that proves black holes exist, at least emotionally) Consider, if you will, a boat. And the boat has one board replaced. Is it the same boat? Is it the boat that was originally created or something else entirely? Now, consider humans … If you have cosmetic surgery, are you the same person? If someone has limbs replaced by prosthetics, a pacemaker, contacts – is that person the same as the one who began their life? The ‘sameness’ of said person can rely on the existence of a soul, but
(Audience falls asleep)

Epilogue

In college I took a philosophy class and we learned about The Ship of Theseus (the boat idea above). I didn’t do well in philosophy because my reaction to The Ship of Theseus problem was … Who cares if it’s the same boat? What’s your point? If, dear reader, you know the point of that philosophical exercise (beyond the point of it proposes an argument of ‘it’s the same boat’ vs ‘it’s a different boat’) please let me know! Seriously. I got nothing from that stupid class because the professor stunk.

Oh hey everyone, I’m just here to generate more clicks! But wait you say, Brad should’ve picked a Heidi Klum picture with more cleavage. Maybe next time reader! (And that’s what you call a cliffhanger!)

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Du Jour of the Week

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