Front
Back (apologies for my handwriting!)
The text of the postcard is
Dear Ellen,
Sometimes I think being on a jury could be interesting, enlightening and possibly fun. Other times I think having the picture on this postcard as a shirt and wearing that to court and answering as many questions as possible with a cat pun would be much, much more fun.
Sincerely,
DumbFunnery.com OR
@DumbFunnery
Dear ______,
Welcome to the Spurs! We are delighted to have you as part of this industrious and hard-working organization. We have a long standing tradition of striving for excellence while attempting to remain humble, and I’d like to take this time to inform you of a few items of note in our organization. Keep these items in mind and do what I tell you, and you’ll make a great addition to our team.
Manu Ginobili will insist on getting your number. You must allow this. Then, every night but Saturday night, he will send you a message on your phone that is him reading a short bedtime story or part of a longer story. You can stop by my office in the morning to get a recap (Manu will ask you specific questions), but I’ve found it’s best for everyone to listen to the whole message. ALWAYS appreciate the voices he makes up for different characters.
Kawhi Leonard is possibly the worst joke teller you will ever meet. He rarely remembers the punchlines, and when he does he often reveals them before he starts the joke. But if you want him confident going into a game, you’re going to have to laugh a lot. Bless his heart.
Tim Duncan is one of the most genuinely kind people who has ever existed, and he will not stop working towards creating a better world … To an unhealthy degree. We were driving together once and he noticed some homeless people, “who are they?” he asked. I explained that they were some of San Antonio’s homeless people. The next day he was a few minutes late to practice, and it was because he had been negotiating with a real estate agent to buy a house for every homeless person in San Antonio. For this reason, the Spurs organization would kindly ask you to lie to Timmy and not let him know that there is any wrong in this world. Really.
Tony Parker is French. Parkour started in France. Tony claims that he is the founder of parkour and that the name is derived from his last name. I used to wonder if Tony was doing this as a practical joke, or he sincerely believes he started parkour, but now I just roll with it.
As for me, the world knows I can be tough to deal with. As a reward for a great practice you can tickle me for 5 minutes. If you’ve had a great game, 8 minutes. I’m told tickling me is one of life’s greatest pleasures.
Welcome to the Spurs.
Pop
Is it just me or does Pop look a little … tickled?
A good friend of mine, Juicebox, is going to the World Cup. It’s going to be fantastic, but the other day he pointed out something to me:
Everyone keeps saying, some jokingly and some not, warnings about riots.
First of all, as with almost everything in life, it’s all about preparation. In addition to packing shorts, good walking shoes, shirts, your team’s gear, etc, why not pack a few riot shields? Maybe a gas mask and Kevlar body armor too. Sure it may raise a few eyebrows at the airport (possibly prevent you from flying?) but whenever security asks you a question about your frighteningly heavy suitcase respond coolly “takes one to know one.”
Riot police, or prepared-for-the-worst soccer fans?
I’ve heard rumor of riot police using tear gas, so bring a lot of tissues. If you’re short on money, toilet paper works. You’ll be a crowd favorite when they’re getting “handled” by the police and you hand out items to deal with the waterworks.
Also, bring extra underwear. Just trust me on this. Lastly, get a lot of pictures of attractive people and cute animals on your phone. This will help with the flight and also it comes into play in a riot.
(In case riot police are reading this: The movie Up is a much less expensive way to induce tears. Plus it has the added benefit of teaching people about love.)
That’s enough talk of prep – let’s get to the good stuff.
1 – Stay calm. If you can’t, go ahead and crap your pants, that way you are forced to stay calm because no adult in their right mind is going to be running/jumping/moving about with all that going on in their underroos.
2 – Use soothing tones, maybe just make cooing noises. Picture the rioting people, or police in head-to-toe riot gear, as an angry dog. If you have food, shake it with good intentions toward the face of the rioter/police. For the sake of a good sound, I’d recommend a box of crackers. (It sounds like an edible puzzle!)
3 – Get your phone out and start showing people around you the pictures of attractive people or animals. Take a look at who is around you and use your best guess to determine what they would like. Here are some tips:
a. If the person near you is a guy who has ripped off his shirt only to reveal an underwhelming lack of diet or workout concerns, try a picture of a mostly naked lady
b. If the person near you is a motherly figure who looks like she could kill with her eyes, try a picture of Matthew McConaughey
c. If it’s a cop, try a picture of a kitten cuddling with a puppy sleeping on TOP of a large dog (Talk about adorable!)
4 – Walk with confidence toward the nearest baby. No one (police or rioters) wants to hurt a baby and have that clip playing 24×7 on the news. Just hang out near the baby. The animal pictures, food, and messy pants will all endear you to the kiddo so you’ve got yourself a new buddy.
Good luck Juicebox. With my pro tips in mind, everything will be just fine.
DumbFunnery 