Front
Back (apologies for my handwriting!)
The text of the postcard is
Dear Ellen,
Football, the highest form of mindless entertainment, is back!
The not at all mind-numbing play-by-play and insightful color commentary help me think many much good big thinks!
Sincerely,
DumbFunnery.com
Last week I attended Dragon Con which was, let me tell you, pretty disappointing. Talk about an all-time misnomer.
Me: Hi, I’m Steve. Why are you dressed as … what are you dressed as anyway?
Girl: I’m sexy Boba Fett.
Me: That’s … weird. Why … Well, whatever. I guess one thing I don’t like about dragons is that if a dragon came to your home and went to the bathroom you could literally drown in urine. Isn’t that awful?
Girl: Um … I’m going to a panel. Bye.
That was just one of the many failed attempts at conversations I had while I was there. Here I was, finally assembled with my peers. People who see dragons as the awful creatures they are, and yet no one would have a serious talk with me about dragon cons.
(Overhearing a group talking about fighting dragons in Skyrim)
Me: Hey! I couldn’t help but notice you guys were talking about dragons and I just wanted to say –
Person in group: I wish I could be a dragon!
Another person: Oh yeah! Imagine flying around, setting fire to stuff with my BREATH!
Apparently clever person in group: You already DO set fire to stuff with your breath. Here, have a mint.
At this point I was excited because it seemed like they were a funny, enjoyable group. Obviously they were being sarcastic because everyone knows you can’t set fire to things for fun, it would hurt the environment in an unnatural way and endanger people’s lives (as I have written about in my list, ‘Top 100 Worst Things About Dragons’). But then, they all started to chime in. I couldn’t help but feel betrayed.
Person in group: Hey … are you ok?
Me: I just … I expected this to be different.
Another person in group: What do you mean? This is awesome! We’re here with a bunch of other people who share our passions, so many people in amazing costumes … This is an awesome convention!
Me: A … convention?
Person in group: Yes …?
Me: Oh. I see.
It turns out I should have done my research. Dragon Con is not dedicated to people who want to talk about why dragons are bad. I almost Googled Dragon Pro to see how big their convention is compared to Dragon Con but I didn’t want to have that awful phrase in my search history … I guess if I had done that I may have avoided this mistake.
After realizing my mistake I ended up having a great time and meeting wonderful people.
Of course, I wasn’t the only one who had tough moments there … Again, my apologies Doug. You really are a wonderful human being.
Me: What are you, a transgendered April O’Neil from the Ninja Turtles?
Doug: No, I’m Doug.
Me: …
I am getting back into running long distances as part of my training for the Tough Mudder and, I’ll tell you, it inspires weird thoughts.
I’m not alone in this, as the author of The Oatmeal also described the same thing. Although he is much more popular, runs farther than me, faster than me, and is funnier than me. Classic jerk if you ask me.
This past Sunday I ran 9 miles in Galveston. It was a nice change of scenery from my usual long runs, but there was one problem: the mosquitoes (I have since realized that even where I live the mosquitoes seem to have taken over). The abundance of mosquitoes (and the long distance) took my mind to a weird thought …
I decided that mosquitoes are the world’s most intelligent species. Many years ago they began collecting blood samples from different animals all over the world and studying them. They would bring these samples back to local labs and look to see what animals were best at surviving. A utilitarian species, the mosquitoes (who were not at the time the same mosquitoes as we know them) realized something: they were not fit for survival.
The optimally designed rat finks.
These primitive mosquitoes saw, by their extensive research and studying, that the ideal form for survival was … well, mosquitoes as we know them today. But there came to be a disagreement in the community of mosquitoes. A gathering of all the chief researchers was organized and it did not go as planned. Instead of the group coming together with one optimal design for survival, a schism hit the group.
Each group had definite characteristics that could be noticed. Group A was more outgoing, social, and adventurous. They looked at the design idea for the mosquito and saw perfection.
Group B was more withdrawn. They often preferred to look at their conclusions on their own, in the dark, away from others. This group saw the idea of flying as needlessly dangerous. They presented a second idea. They claimed this would be just as hearty and could withstand anything the first design could withstand, and then some. Group B became … cockroaches.
So there you have it. That’s what I was thinking about while dog tired and staring at this beautiful scenery.
Galveston, TX
DumbFunnery 