The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘humor’

Concussions

If you follow the NFL, you’re aware that a big deal has been made about head-hunting hits (trying to hit guys helmet-to-helmet, that sort of thing). These are big, mean dudes flying really fast at other big, mean dudes. They’ve got pads and helmets on which they use as, essentially, tools to hit harder.

My opinion (just an opinion) is that it’s not a bad thing to limit crazy big hits. Yes, it’s fun to watch a guy light into another guy in football, but it’s not worth it if the damage delivered is severe.

Enough boring – now for my jokesy story. This is a football player and a doctor. The football player has suffered a concussion.

Concussions

Doc:Hey, how do you feel?
Player: Great. Absolutely great.
Doc: That’s good. No hangover effects from the concussion?
Player: From the what?
Doc: … The concussion.
Player: Hmm. It’s hard to understand you when you make up fake words, doc.
Doc: … Concussion?
Player: Xylophone.
Doc: I don’t understand.
Player: You make up a fake word like concussion, then I make up a fake word like xylophone.
Doc: I see.
Player: What’s your word mean? My word’s an instrument.
Doc: Ah, so … you received some brain damage, and I just wanted to see if you’re ok.
Player: Ohhhhh. Did my brother win, then?
Doc: Come again?
Player: We were playing some football for fun.
Doc: Let me guess, without helmets?
Player: What’s a helmet? Nah, I’m kidding, doc. But yeah, we weren’t wearing helmets.
Doc: (flips through charts) How many concussions HAVE you gotten over the years?
Player: (laughs) Doc, you keep talking about instruments! Concussions and xylophones. You want to form a band or something?
Doc: Do you know what year it is?
Player: Doc, you and I both know a bit about the brain. Every brain can hold 500 facts. If I had to remember the year, I’d forget about a play, and coach would be angry about that.
Doc: … I can’t tell if you’re joking.
Player: Listen, maybe I don’t know how to build a space ship or read, but I can hit a guy really hard, really fast.
Doc: And you can play the concussion pretty well.
Player: (laughs) Hell yeah I can, doc.

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Short Short Stories

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Weekly Wacko (53)

Parenthood/Parent Trap

Recently a relative (and friend) had a widdle, tiny, awww, baby. CONGRATULATIONS!

This reminded me of a rambling note I wrote to my parents a few years ago. Thankfully my mom has the note, because if she didn’t I would have to dig it up and then be disgusted at my rambling, emotionally-tinted nonsense.

I wrote the letter the night before my parents 29th? 30th? wedding anniversary. Of all things, it was inspired by the movie Parenthood. The movie has Steve Martin, so, naturally, I am a big fan of it. Beyond that, it is a cheese-fest which I nevertheless like quite a bit.

My take-away from the movie was this: holy CRAP! It’s impossible to be a parent without screwing up eight, nine, or even ten (million) ways to Sunday!

I grabbed a paper and pencil and began my emotional, rambling thank you letter to my parents. It was a pretty conceited thank you, because it cited my brother, sister and I as proof that my parents had done a good job. I said congrats for three main reasons.

My brother, sister and I have these traits:

1) We have good senses of humor. The important thing here being not that we can crack jokes, but that we can laugh at ourselves. (I’m clearly biased here, but I find us very funny.)

2) We like to learn.

3) We’re nice people.*

*I’m not one hundred percent on this, but I think this was reason number three.

These are very basic things to celebrate, but when you get down to it I think not nearly enough people have these things.

I’ll take this opportunity to again say thanks mom and pop for doing a pretty good job. And when you consider how life can really get in the way, you did a very good job. When you consider how the Nintendo and sitcoms are way more interesting than most everything, you … oh man the funniest thing just happened on The Office. What was I saying?

The OTHER purpose of this blog entry is to say good luck to the new parents – my sister’s buddy and my cousin. Good luck with your tiny, pooping, eating, information-input-sponge-ing creatures. And, again biased, if it counts for anything I think you’ll do fantastically.

This picture is one of my nephews when he was very young (and my hands). I’m the baby of the family and the oldest kid I babysat growing up was 2. I found his size to be, frankly, crazy. But I think it’s good that kids come out so tiny – because hopefully it’ll make you appreciate how fragile they are in every way.

Also, if anyone looks up the definition of sap, I hope this post comes up.

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Weekly Wacko

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Attn: Ellen (10/27/10)

Front


Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

As an FYI, the postcard is from when I went to a Giants game – it was a free giveaway!

The text of the postcard is:

Dear Ellen,

Baseball is still going on – who knew? Here is another interesting baseball fact for you:

One time a group of friends was out for a walk and one of them couldn’t think of the word ‘boring’ so his friends said, “act it out!”

At that moment baseball was invented.

(I actually like baseball, but it is kind of boring.)

GetBradStanleyPublished.com

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Attn: Ellen

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