The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘joke’

Awkward Quick Hits

I went to a big meeting and asked a question which was not a question but really more of a complaint about the current setup for the project the meeting was about. Later that day I was walking to the bathroom, and from the other end of the hallway my boss’s boss was also walking there. He said, “you troublemaker!” I laughed and went in the bathroom. Then he came in. We ended up sitting in stalls next to each other … I wanted to either undo  my being in the bathroom or shout, “HERE COMES TROUBLE!”

I was hanging out with a friend, along with her girlfriend and another friend of ours. My friend said something about liking chick-chick flicks. Then she asked if I knew what that meant. I assumed it meant a really girly chick flick, but then something about how she asked made me think – wait, “she’s talking about girl-on-girl porn??” Then, after I mentioned porn, she became embarrassed for me and explained that chick-chick flicks are a romance movie where the two characters who fall in love (not lust) are girls. Whoops.

I went out on the town with some friends and was introduced to friends of my friend with this – “This is Brad, he’s a really crazy dancer.” The response from one guy was, “I can tell by his bone structure!” Later the three of us walked over to a group of girls to try and muster up the courage to talk to them (I talk a big game and say ‘let’s do it!’ then I chicken out). While we’re standing there a girl came up and asked if we had a lighter for her cigarette. We said no, then the friend-of-friend said, “this guy’s dance moves will light a fire though!” Then the two friends and the girl stared at me. I stared back – too much pressure! – and did nothing.  (But that line of his still cracks me up.)

And I’ll end with a brag – I was very proud of this little joke of mine. Two friends of mine and I headed to lunch one day, and when we arrived we got out of the car. There was a construction site nearby and a man was banging something metallic on something else metallic. I said, “that is the worst steel drum band I have ever heard!” (Actually I said that’s the worst Jamaican band I’ve ever heard – but I’ve revised the joke now that I have time and can remember what I intended to say.)

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Weekly Wacko

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De Jour of the Week (8/10/10)

The Worst Lawyer Ever

There once was a lawyer named Johnny Winsome.
He was, with pride, the worst lawyer ever.
“With Winsome, you lose-um.”
When Johnny was drunk, he was clever.

Johnny was often quoted in the local newspapers,
“Heroes have capes, I have capers.”

Hiding a smile, the reporters would ask, “Johnny, do you think you have a chance?”
“That depends,” Johnny’d say, “do the Aussies live in France?”

If you liked laughing,
If you wanted to see the creation of a new verb: gaffe-ing,
If you didn’t mind waking your lawyer for closing remarks from his too-common napping,
You’d see Johnny Winsome, the King of “wait, I missed that your honor, what’s happening?”

A client of Johnny’s was inconsolable
He’d lost so he had his hands full,
Johnny gripped the client’s shoulder and said,
“When you’re in jail, and you’re full of dread,
“Read Every Witness is a Surprise Witness, if You’re a Bad Enough Lawyer,
“It’s my autobiography and I’d love some feedback if, with your upcoming ample free time, with me you’d confer.”

But Johnny wasn’t the only lawyer in town,
It’s said Johnny was born with a smile, and the other lawyer invented the frown.

Yes, I mean Crystal Snodgrass.
Who was dubbed by the courts, “the affidavit-carrying snake in the grass.”

She wasn’t clever,
Not accidentally. Not on purpose. Not ever.

But Crystal Snodgrass WON.
She ended every talk by closing her brief case and saying “we’re done.”

Phone calls ended with click, the dial tone.
Though with Snodgrass off the phone,
Even if you were sitting alone,
You somehow felt less alone.

This small town that housed these two opposite stars
(One with fans who loved the bar, the other with fans who loved bars),
Were about to have a momentous event –
A little case, which was not at all important
EXCEPT for this one little fact that the town could not bypass
It was a case where Johnny Winsome would face Crystal Snodgrass

Miss Snodgrass, at 7:59 am heard of the case,
As was her fashion, she cut to the chase,
“He makes jokes, I make money.”
The reporters finally got hold of Johnny at three,
They wanted to know if he’d heard what she’d said,
“Wait – who am I up against? Uh oh. Better get out of bed.”

Snodgrass: “I guarantee my client hard work, due diligence, and strict attention to detail.”
Winsome: “I guarantee my opponent will do hard work, due diligence, and strict attention to detail.”

Miss Snodgrass requested a meeting with Mr. Winsome and his client,
She wanted him to roll over and be compliant.
“Mr. Winsome, I’ll give you small concessions if you keep this out of court and don’t waste our time.”
Mr. Winsome had to be poked, he was distracted by an éclair which was simply divine.
Miss Snodgrass repeated her unnaturally ‘nice’ offer,
Mr. Winsome stood, looked offended, and said, “I could do worser!”
Miss Snodgrass rolled her eyes efficiently,
Precisely, and succinctly,
“‘*I* could do better,’ she corrected,
“Please do then for me,” he jested.

The day in court had finally arrived
Which was an event Miss Snodgrass knew had happened, and something Mr. Winsome realized.

During opening statements Miss Snodgrass told the court she would present the cold, hard facts.
Mr. Winsome forgot to prepare anything, so he pretended to have flashbacks.

From the press: “Winsome’s a hit with his classic flashback routine,
Snodgrass is terrible but effective, per usual, ‘The Human Fluorine’.”

Snodgrass is beating Winsome so bad she’s not only wiping the floor,
She’s waxing the floor,
She’s buffing the floor,
She’s refinishing the floor,
She’s – you get the picture or do you need more?

“Objection your honor, relevance?”
Miss Snodgrass asked for the hundredth time
(Winsome was ignoring Snodgrass’s hints to use common sense).
That’s when Winsome stumbled on an idea he considered sublime:

“Your honor,” Mr. Winsome said with poise and self-import,
“I’d like to ban relevance from the court!”

Relevance was not banned,
But Snodgrass’s hatred for Winsome was fanned.

Snodgrass did not in the slightest bit slack
On her legal attack.
It was so rough it made one nerdy juror say, “holy frack”.

The day arrived when the jury delivered its ruling.
And, who are we fooling?
We of course know that Snodgrass defeated Winsome,
Because “With Winsome, you lose-um.”

What’s the moral of the story?
It was delivered by Winsome outside the court amid much flurry,
“If I had to choose between being stupid or rich,
I wouldn’t. Because I’m both. Now ain’t that a bitch?”

Category:

Du Jour of the Week

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