The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘President’

Trump Days in to the Presidency

It’s 100 days into THE President Trump’s Presidency … Let’s look at some highlights, shall we?

Day 1 – Trump gets a dog and names it Weakness. Refuses to let it in the White House, tells the nation this dog is a metaphor.

Day 5 – After days of PETA protests, Trump says he’ll personally pay for pita sandwiches for anyone who will boycott PETA’s boycott.

Day 6 – The nation learns how tasty a pita sandwich can be, while about half the nation practically oozes hatred in combination with enjoying a tasty meal.

Day 12 – Trump meets with several foreign leaders for a record breaking seven minutes, he is heard leaving the meeting saying horribly racist things which the nation … eats up? What?

Day 20 – Trump’s temporary spike in popularity drops down when he laughs at someone for being poor.

Day 33 – Trump is accused of pooping in a paper bag and dropping it at the front door of his major political opponent.

Day 50 – Trump heads out on vacation.

Day 70 – Trump’s back, and declares war on a TBD country or countries. Trump says this with the kind of confidence and swagger that practically causes sane people to drop dead.

Day 72 – Trump declares that the word Trump means the number 100. He says no dollar bill is classier than the Trump dollar bill.

Day 79 – The to be determined countries surrender, and the United States is now a “majority shareholder” in Greenland and another country that Trump refuses to share the name of.

Day 85 – Trump attempts to have a journalist who called him Trumpleton fired, and then assassinated. In the end Trump buys the newspaper and fires everyone except the cartoonist, who is instructed to “go nuts”.

Day 92 – Trump embraces the name Trumpleton, declares that it is equal to the number 10.

Day 100 – Trump days into office, or ten Trumpletons, and Trump gives a speech that is monumental in the number of search engine queries for rules on becoming expats.

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Du Jour of the Week

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Unexpected Facts from the Lincoln Book

Remember way back on Monday, when I talked about Lincoln by Thomas Keneally. I decided to make a note of a few facts that I learned from the book that I thought were crazy.

General Scott had stationed troops along Pennsylvania Avenue and around the Capitol with the specific instructions, for the first time in American history, to protect the incoming president’s life.

 

Near the east portico of the Capitol, a rostrum had been built, with barriers to separate the inauguration party from the public, again for the first time in history. The old republican piety of the president’s being merely the first among citizens had come under threat of the assassin’s bullet, a threat that would never leave the American political scene.

 

That successor was Gen. Ambrose Burnside, a robust six-footer with ferocious “sideburns,” as people had begun to call those flourishes of facial hair in whimsical regard for the general.

 

Similarly, a flat 3 percent tax on all incomes over eight hundred dollars per year was introduced, and though it produced at first an insubstantial flow of revenue, it marked the beginning of the fiscal world twentieth-century Americans would inherit.

When Lincoln gave the Gettysburg Address another man, Edward Everett (a classical scholar), spoke before him. Everett spoke for TWO HOURS, and his speech was considered “enormously successful, brilliant in the eyes of contemporaries.” After that speech Lincoln gave his now very famous address. And according to one historian, Garry Wills, it changed things.

In its exalting of vernacular and biblical oratory over Everett’s Greek Revival tour de force, Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address made the traditional rhetoric of its day suddenly obsolete. “[A]ll modern political prose descends from the Gettysburg Address.”

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Attn: Ellen (6/13/12)

Front


Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

Soon I’ll be going to visit D.C.! I’m debating starting a postcard writing campaign to the president. I figure I’ll easily be able to tell if they’re getting them or not, from how fast security guards are to give me strange glances. But I bet Carl, the Secret Service guy with the quirky sense of humor that I made up just now, I bet he’ll wave hello.

Sincerely,
DumbFunnery.com

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Attn: Ellen

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