The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

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Concussions

If you follow the NFL, you’re aware that a big deal has been made about head-hunting hits (trying to hit guys helmet-to-helmet, that sort of thing). These are big, mean dudes flying really fast at other big, mean dudes. They’ve got pads and helmets on which they use as, essentially, tools to hit harder.

My opinion (just an opinion) is that it’s not a bad thing to limit crazy big hits. Yes, it’s fun to watch a guy light into another guy in football, but it’s not worth it if the damage delivered is severe.

Enough boring – now for my jokesy story. This is a football player and a doctor. The football player has suffered a concussion.

Concussions

Doc:Hey, how do you feel?
Player: Great. Absolutely great.
Doc: That’s good. No hangover effects from the concussion?
Player: From the what?
Doc: … The concussion.
Player: Hmm. It’s hard to understand you when you make up fake words, doc.
Doc: … Concussion?
Player: Xylophone.
Doc: I don’t understand.
Player: You make up a fake word like concussion, then I make up a fake word like xylophone.
Doc: I see.
Player: What’s your word mean? My word’s an instrument.
Doc: Ah, so … you received some brain damage, and I just wanted to see if you’re ok.
Player: Ohhhhh. Did my brother win, then?
Doc: Come again?
Player: We were playing some football for fun.
Doc: Let me guess, without helmets?
Player: What’s a helmet? Nah, I’m kidding, doc. But yeah, we weren’t wearing helmets.
Doc: (flips through charts) How many concussions HAVE you gotten over the years?
Player: (laughs) Doc, you keep talking about instruments! Concussions and xylophones. You want to form a band or something?
Doc: Do you know what year it is?
Player: Doc, you and I both know a bit about the brain. Every brain can hold 500 facts. If I had to remember the year, I’d forget about a play, and coach would be angry about that.
Doc: … I can’t tell if you’re joking.
Player: Listen, maybe I don’t know how to build a space ship or read, but I can hit a guy really hard, really fast.
Doc: And you can play the concussion pretty well.
Player: (laughs) Hell yeah I can, doc.

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Short Short Stories

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Space, the Underestimated Frontier

I was browsing through other blogs on WordPress based on tags I like and I found this. It’s a site, microhorror.com, and they’re having a 500 word limit horror-story contest. The theme is ‘space’ … not as in outer space, but as in ‘the physical dimension.’ I’m no good at horror stories, but I started to think – ‘what are scary situations involving space?’ This is what I came up with.

This is kind of a throw-away post. I’m going to have a new computer soon which I’m super jazzed about. Why? I’m going to get a slick video editing program and produce amazingly dumb videos. Even dumber than you’ve already seen – you didn’t know this was possible, did you?

Space, the Underestimated Frontier

It was a dream come true. All the hard work, all the effort, the schooling – It had, after all, been worth it.
He was an astronaut now.
He was taking his first space walk.
“Hey,” the astronaut stopped at the communication, “what’s with your helmet?”
The astronaut looked down to see something that seemed insignificant, a tiny bit of nothingness in the infinitude of space.
There was a small gap in the visor which kept it from closing all the way.

The three engineers who designed the helmet would be saddened and shamed if they knew what was happening – but at the moment they had their own problems.

One of the engineers behind the design of the astronaut’s helmet was having his own problems with space. He was on a date and quite nervous – the proverbial social skills-challenged brainiac.
The engineer was in the middle of a seemingly 15-point turn to successfully park.
“Just park away from other cars, I like walking,” the date said, trying to help.
“Oh … right …,” the engineer managed with a weak smile and a nervous chuckle.

The second engineer had just parked and run inside a gas station.
His bladder had run out of space.
What’s worse – so had the bathroom.
After his quick knocks an angry yell from inside rang out, “gimme a minute!”

The third engineer couldn’t have been happier.
He and his girlfriend were ‘taking the next step’ in their relationship.
He was a smart young man and of course used a condom. A condom that was designed, like the helmet, to not have any gaps.

The astronaut, full of panic and yet curious, said, “so much for that exploding head myth.”
While he chuckled and began looking to solve the problem at hand, his lungs ruptured.

The engineer on a date backed up to find a new spot, and hit a man.

The engineer in the gas station re-lived his worst day in second grade.

The engineer with his girlfriend became a father-to-be.

And some infinite being we can’t comprehend chuckled.

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Short Short Stories

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Superman Going Clothes Shopping

“Hi, welcome to McMurphy’s!”

“Hi, thank you.”

“Let me know if I can help you, Mr. Kent.”

“Oh! … Sure … How … uh … How did you know my name?”

“Well … You came in here yesterday … And you bought some clothes … Kent, right? Clark Kent?”

“Yes … Yes … That’s my name … Quite the average name, huh?”

“Um … Sure …”

“Say, do you have any of this size shirt, but in white?”

“Um … Yeah … Here let me look in the back for you …”

“Thanks!”

“…Um … Yeah … We have one …”

“What’s that? It’s hard to hear you when you’re speaking to me from the stock room? I have such normal hearing! Ha!”

“Um … Yeah … Sorry … So … I said … We have one …”

“Great!”

“But it’s pretty expensive. More expensive than the brand you usually buy.”

“Oh … Gosh … Money is pretty tight …”

“I can imagine.”

“What do you mean by that? I have a regular job that any human could have.”

“Um … Well … I meant because uh … Well … Remember yesterday when you were in here … And you bought a new pair of slacks, a tie and a nice shirt?”

“Why, yes, I do remember that.”

“Well … Uh … Then you said you wanted to wear them out?”

“Yes … Perfectly normal. I had a meeting.”

“Right! Yeah! Of course but uh … Well … I found your new clothes … Plus the clothes you’d worn in … umm … In a phone booth … That one … Right there … It’s right outside the door to our store … Like ten feet from where I’m standing.”

“Oh …”

“So uh … I mean you come in here … a lot … And you always buy … Pretty much the same exact thing … And you say you’ve got a regular job …”

“Yes! I’m a reporter! Quite normal!”

“Yeah! No! I completely agree! It’s just uh … Well anyway, I went outside and grabbed all the clothes once I’d noticed you’d ah … misplaced them … And so here they are … Since it’s probably pretty expensive buying new clothes all the time …”

“Oh! How kind of you! Thank you, citizen!”

“And uh … I’ve got a cousin who’s a cop and … Well the cops find … Probably at least twice a day … Um … Clothes … Like the ones you buy here … That … Happen to match what you’re wearing now …”

“Oh! As a journalist … I should investigate this …”

“Yeah, right! Of course! I figured … So my cousin brought all the clothes here in these trash bags … If you want them … For your uh … article …”

“Yes, thank you!”

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Short Short Stories

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