The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Baby Comedy Routine

January 13, 2014

Hey folks, how are we all doing tonight? Good?

Ok, ok …

So listen, a few months ago, before I was born, I remember saying, “hey, lady, mother figure, am I right?, I’m like, hey, can’t a guy get a little more WOMB in here?”

No, but seriously, that place she had me staying was awful. It was cramped. It was warm. The food was like paste. It reminds me of a hotel where I stayed in JERSEY. OHHHH. Just kidding, just kidding, New Jersey’s great, I’ve got family out there.

I hope they STAY there!

Heyyyy! Come on! We’re all friends here, ok? Ok.

Anyway back when I was still in the womb, the hotel womb, right, so I would practice my set. Practice, practice, practice, right? But here’s the thing – management there was tough. I remember I started, day 1, and all I did was WORK. You know my first water break was NINE MONTHS into the job.

I’m kidding of course. I loved it there.

So uh … Tough crowd … This room’s gonna need a diaper change.

(Drops mic, exits stage via someone coming out and picking him up and carrying him off)

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Du Jour of the Week

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“So … That’s a No?”

January 10, 2014

“Corruption and envy and lust for power. Cruelty and coldness. A vicious, probing curiosity. Pure, poisonous, toxic malice. You have never from your earliest years shown a shred of compassion or sympathy or kindness without calculating how it would return to your advantage. You have tortured and killed without regret or hesitation; you have betrayed and intrigued and gloried in your treachery. You are a cesspit of moral filth.”

– The Amber Spyglass, by Philip Pullman

When I read this I thought, woah, that’s some insult. Then I imagined myself memorizing this phrase, or having it handy for when I get a call from a salesperson.

“We noticed you’re not currently getting … Would you like to embrace this opportunity to make yourself a better person by paying us money?”
I respond with that crazy thing. Maybe leaving out the part about murder and torture, maybe not.
“So … That’s a no?”

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Du Jour of the Week

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Attn: Ellen (1/8/14)

January 8, 2014

Front

Ellen151a

Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

Ellen151b

The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

I bet if I was a horse and going to my first day of horse high school and I saw other horses and I said “hey” some bully horse would say “horses eat hay!” I’d probably try to have a quick response like, “that joke is stale-ion … like stallion …”

This hypothetical horse high school would be tough for me.

Sincerely,
DumbFunnery.com

Why am I doing this?

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Attn: Ellen

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