The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘old man’

You and Your Dangling Participle

This may or may not be common knowledge … but there is an age that men reach where, when/if they go to a gym locker room … they will be naked as much as possible.

You may have a few questions, let me take a guess at them and answer those.

What Age?
I don’t know. Is it the exact same moment in time for every man? 62 years, 204 days, 3 hours? Is it variable based on your life experiences? Is it related to race, religion, favorite foods? Who knows. But it happens to every man.

Sad fact: one day, I, too, will wander the men’s locker room, towel cavalierly draped over a shoulder, walking like a toddler letting my gut lead the way while my Jimmy Dean is out on display.

But … Why?
Exactly. EXACTLY. It’s not like a, ‘oh I left my towel over there, let me go back and grab it and wrap it around the waist like normal people do.’ No. It is deliberate. The towel is handy, but it’s being used to cover a guy’s elbow, perhaps a kneecap, but that’s it. Minimal coverage is the goal here. But the towel is always handy, letting you know, ‘this ain’t no accident, chief.’

And suddenly the world has slowed to a crawl for these fellas, too. You just showered, you know what you need to do? Make like Auguste Rodin and sit and think. But, unlike The Thinker, think with your legs open. You’ve got to let your New England Man Chowder breathe.

(Gross nickname, right? I’m proud of that one.)

Are They Naked Like That Other Places?
Thankfully, I have no idea. I haven’t notice this extend to public places. And I’m not seeing these guys streaking at baseball games or anything (that wouldn’t be in their nature – streaking usually involves running, and these guys like to look upon the snail as their inspiration in life).

What Can I Do To Prevent This?
If you’re a male, nothing. If you’re a male who is younger and going to gyms, I suggest you work out in glasses. Then, when you go to shower and get dressed you just don’t wear your glasses. Super blind? Super news. Mildly blind? Sorry, you’ve got legless lizards in your future.

If you have perfect eyesight, you deserve this. Jerk.

***

If you didn’t know this about men and locker rooms. I’m sorry you bear the weight of this knowledge now. I’d suggest eating to forget the pain, but I wouldn’t recommend hot dogs.

IMG_20180608_194738138

Somewhere near this is a naked old man.

Advertisements

How Old Am I?

I have a series of facts, and each one will make me older.

  • Recently I was at one of my favorite stores, Costco.
  • I was browsing the clothing section of Costco.
  • I noticed a pair of jeans, AND they had my size! I decided to buy them.
  • I took the jeans home, tried them on, they fit well.
  • I bought a second pair of the exact same jeans. From Costco.
  • And, honestly, I wouldn’t mind a third pair. (Jeans that fit me well are a rare breed.)

17w1217-membership-card-gold-star

Did You Know – Excrement Edition

Sometimes if someone is very angry they might yell that something is bull shtuff (that’s edited, dontchya know). Well, Mr. Angry-Yelling-Pants, I bet you didn’t know that you can cite other animals excrement to convey other feelings.

Bull Isht –                      Anger
Old Man Isht –              Confusion
Dragon Isht –                Happiness
Steven Segal Isht –     Bloated
Chicken Isht –              Anger, with a hint of amusement
Dinosaur Isht –            Consternation over taxes
Old Lady Isht –            Desire to hang out with kids, and possibly give them 14 cents
Racist Isht –                  Kill whitey

Do you know of any other telling forms of shtuff? Post them in the comments!

%d bloggers like this: