Front
Back (apologies for my handwriting!)
The text of the postcard is
Dear Ellen,
Quick New Year’s resolution update, since you asked, my resolution to wrongly assume un-asked questions and then answer out loud to unwilling audiences is going swimmingly!
Sincerely,
DumbFunnery.com
P.S. See what I did there? I’ll tell you, what I did was …
P.P.S. See what I did there part two?
One night my mom, dad and I watched (well, that and a basketball game) a PBS show from 2002 called “Sandwiches That You Will Like.” I like that title because its not overly cocky.
“Sandwiches That You Will Love” or “Sandwiches That Put Shoppes on the Map” – those are examples of shows I wouldn’t watch because who are you, sandwich judges, to tell me what I’ll love? I like the laid back approach to sandwiches. Because you know what?, I like a lot of sandwiches, but I don’t love a lot of them.
Here are a few titles of other non-cocky food shows I’d be up for watching:
Drunk? Eat This
You Could do Worse: A tour of Franchised Sandwich Shops
Not Bad Tasting, and Not Exactly Bad For You
Looks Gross, Tastes … Not Bad Actually, Huh
No Reservations … Also No Host or Hostess, Just Carl or One of His Cousins
Hop to it various food channels – I’ll even volunteer to host these shows!
When I was in Phoenix for Christmas I went for a jog. It was a delightful little run, except for the fact that it was tough and a random man weirded me out. Yes, that’s the technical term, he WEIRDED ME OUT!
I was jogging across a main street, jamming out to my music and going happily (ish) along when this stranger, with body language that (in my head) suggested he was saying something rude/something he thought was funny said something to me. Fortunately/unfortunately, I didn’t hear a word of it because of Young the Giant.
It could be that I am crazy and he said something pleasant like, “nice day for a jog, huh?” but my gut tells me he was a Weirdo McCreepy.
Which brings me to today’s all-important post!:
1 – If you see someone jogging by you with headphones on, whisper something pleasant with a sour look on your face. “I admire your commitment to running on such a cold day!” you could say with a scowl and cock-eyed. Say it quietly enough that they can’t hear you, and so that they’ll assume the worst!
2 – Look at the persons crotch-al region, look visibly frightened, and then quickly look away. This will be sure to stay on the runner’s mind for a while.
3 – Go for an enthusiastic high-five as the runner goes by, and if she or he high-fives you, stop dead in your tracks and stare angrily at the runner. The runner, amused/encouraged by the high-five from a stranger, may look back after passing you and then be completely confused by your reaction. ‘If you didn’t want a high-five why did you … There’s not even anyone else … It just … WHAT?!’ the runner will think while zooming on.
4 – Look at the runner casually and give an encouring, albeit noncommittal grin, then look past the runner, do a double take at an imaginary swarm of bears who have smaller bears who are trained in close-quarters combat on their backs, don the appropriate look of fear, start running with the runner … pretending this runner isn’t out for exercise, but for survival.
5 – Give the runner a knowing wink. Or an alluring wink. Or maybe a confused look, quickly transitioning to an over-the-top attempt to look cool face, followed by a wink.
Have at it, folks!
***
And if any runners read this and think, ‘why would you do this?,’ I’ll tell you why. Running is tiring. Taking your mind off the pain/exertion by trying to dissect some weirdo’s actions can really distract you, and help carry you through the run for a while. It’s therefore helpful for the runner, and it gives anyone a chance to be a weirdo – what’s not to love here?
DumbFunnery 