The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘fun’

Exchanges with Recently Awoken Coma-Patients through U.S. History

December, 1620

“Wow you have such beautiful cheek bones!”
“Thank you … I feel so groggy … Was I out long? Where am I?”
“You’re in your … My … Yes, my yard.”
“Oh, it’s very nice. It reminds me of my home.”
“You don’t say.”

July, 1693

“Well, in my professional opinion, witches aren’t real.”
“Whaaaat!? But all those teenage girls in Salem kept figuring out who the witches were!, and it was crazy too because ALL of the witches were people the teenage girls didn’t like!”
“Yeah … I’ll be back later … You just think about that.”

August, 1776

“What do you plan to do now that you’re back in good health?”
“Head back to jolly old England! My beloved home!”
“TRAITOR!”

April, 1836

“What was I saying?”
“You were trying to remember something …”
“Right, well I was trying to remember the Alamo …”
“Excuse me, sorry to cut you off but I suddenly have an overwhelming desire to wear a very ugly hat with some sort of faux-animal thing going on.”
“Would there be a tail attached to this ugly hat?”
“Yes!”

May, 1865

“How do you feel?”
“Ummm … What state am I in?”
“Why do you ask?”
“No reason … Do you prefer the color grey … or the color blue?”
“No! We’re past that! The U.S. is united again!”
“Ah. So you’re an optimist?”

November, 1929

“You were in a coma for a loooong time!”
“Well, glad to be back.”
“Yeah … You won’t be glad soon.”
“What?”
“Nothing. Can I borrow some money?”
“Sure! Easy-come, easy-go, baby!”

December, 1963

“The president’s been killed!”
“Dear God!”
“And you’ve been drafted!”
“Say what now?”

September, 1973

“Willie Mays hit another home run!”
“Wow! What a record he must have! I bet no one will ever break that!”
“I know it! And if anyone does, I bet that person is bad in the sack and also grumpy.”
“Agreed.”

January, 2000

“Happy New Year!”
“Happy New Year!? So it’s Y2K? Did it … Did our fears come true?”
“Are you one of those types that say ‘last people on Earth – oh no! Well, might as well have sex …?’
“We’re both men.”
“So is that yes or no?”

November, 2008

“OJ did it!”
“That murder trial’s been going on this long?”

February, 2009

“We’ve got a black president!”
“Black president of what?”
“The U.S.!”
“The U.S. of what?”
“The United States of America!”
“This does not surprise me in the least. Not one bit.”

Category:

Short Short Stories

Tagged with:

Life

Day after day
Decision after countless decision
You live your life
Millions of quick yes’s or no’s
Do this, do that
Most of them are easy
Done without conscious thought
Some are made without you
Made for you
Some are Difficult
Involving thinking,
A choice between two pools
Of muddy water
Some you don’t want to make
And then
And then there’s the impossible decision
Combination Pizza Hut and Taco Bells

***

I wrote this while eating at a combination Pizza Hut and Taco Bell, and then read it to my friend. After I finished she shook her head and said, “I thought you were actually trying to write a good poem.” I laughed and said, “NOPE!”

Category:

Du Jour of the Week

Tagged with:

We Can’t Keep Meeting Like This, Batman – Weekly Wacko (68)

We Can’t Keep Meeting Like This, Batman

When I was in the fourth/fifth grade I got an awesome gift.

One of those blow-up three or four feet tall punching bags with sand at the bottom. You know the ones. One of the Ninja Turtles messed around with one of them in the second Ninja Turtles movie. Go to about 5:15 in.

My air-filled punching bag had Batman on it! Awesome!

It was Batman, dressed in his costume, standing somewhere (probably on a building), and it was nighttime. And his eyes were these perfectly white rectangular slits.

When you would walk in my room at night the punching-bag looked creepy because you could see the outline of the basic shape, a little bit of the picture on the bag, and Batman’s white slits/eyes.

Not long after I received this gift I was having trouble sleeping. Not just trouble sleeping, but consistent trouble sleeping. I would wake up nearly every night and toss and turn for a while before finally being able to fall back asleep.

I decided to play a prank on myself.

I set the punching bag right beside my bed, with Batman’s face looking towards me. With any luck I would wake up, freak myself out, laugh, then go back to sleep (this is fourth grade boy logic).

It worked perfectly!

I woke up – freaked out and yelped (it is not comforting to wake up with two slits/eyes staring down over you in your bed), then pushed the bag away, having completely forgotten that I had done this to myself. Naturally, the bag goes down, then …

When the bag came back up I didn’t fight but this time backed into, slammed into, rammed into, my wall.

Then, I remembered.

Had anyone else done this prank to me I would’ve been furious.

“I couldn’t sleep at all last night! And you totally creeped me out! And you’re stupid! And blah!”

But I just laughed. And laughed. And wasn’t that funny how perfectly it worked out?

I tried doing this trick to myself a bunch of other times but I never got anywhere close to the results I had that magical night.

I guess it’s like they say, “fool me once Batman watching over me in my sleep, shame on you. Fool me twice? I’m such a weirdo.”

Category:

Weekly Wacko

Tagged with: