The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘funny’

Thank You?, No, Thank Me

My freshman year of college I was walking downstairs in my dorm to put some laundry in. I had the basket, so it wasn’t very easy walking. At the bottom of the stairs was a large, heavy door that was always closed for fire safety.

A guy was walking a number of steps in front of me – he was just past the distance where you go through the internal debate of ‘should I hold the door for the person behind me?’ Except, I was carrying a bulky object, which extends the time you should wait to hold the door.

The guy decided that he was far enough away, or a big enough punk, to not feel the need to hold the door for me. He walked on through, and the door began to close.

I would’ve preferred that not to have been the case, so I decided the appropriate thing to do would be a sarcastic thanks. I was by myself, but that only seems to encourage my desire to make stupid jokes.

“Thanks,” I said out loud, with a cheesy grin and exaggerated wink.

That’s when the guy, the saint, came back, with the purpose of holding the door for me realizing I could use the help.

We both stopped and stared – I had the presence of mind to un-wink, and slowly go from cheesy sarcastic smile to awkward, what to do … what to do … smile.

Eventually he backed up and let the door close behind him. I decided to wait a bit before doing my laundry.

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Weekly Wacko

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Attn: Ellen (9/7/11)

Front


Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

The text of the postcard is:

Dear Ellen,

The Borders by me is having their going out of business sale.

Cheap books and postcards?

I already buy too many of these things, but you add a crazy sale and I end up buying things like … well, like this postcard.

Sincerely,
DumbFunnery.com

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Attn: Ellen

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Animal Facts! (Crowned Hornbill, Antelope Ground Squirrel, Cotton-Top Tamarin, Blue-Bellied Roller)

Crowned Hornbill

Generally doesn’t realize he has no idea what he’s talking about until he’s about halfway through expressing his very wordy opinion on the topic.

Hands out hugs like pimps hand out slaps.

Ever since he learned how to move to the beat he’s been so … smooth.

Plays on a bowling team called the Smashtronauts.

Woke up Sunday, felt really tired still, decided God was infinite and would still be there next Sunday. Snooze button ENGAGED.

Antelope Ground Squirrel

Thinks ‘castration’ was the name of the government under Fidel Castro. Some thought he was making social commentary, but his true friends know he’s just an idiot.

Wants a really ‘organic relationship.’ He has no idea what that means, but it sounds healthy.

Has been drunk in a plane, a train and has a bottle of wine and a cardboard box with his name on them at home for tonight.

Sometimes feels like Atlas – not that he has the weight of the world on his shoulders, but that he’d look like a cool statue.

Far too worried about making a good impression to have any shot of making a good impression.

Cotton-Top Tamarin

Would describe his mood as gritty and emotional.

If he was a function the input would be food, liquid, air and the output would be your face. Zing.

For God’s sake, no more pet cats for this guy. He’ll never find a date.

A gentleman doesn’t tell – and thankfully he’s no gentleman.

He’s got music in his soul. Unfortunately it’s on repeat. And it’s Wham’s greatest hits.

Blue-Bellied Roller

Saint-like, but only in his ability to be celebrated after he dies.

Odd ability to locate studs in walls. Slutty ability to locate studs in bars.

Jaw-clenches with the best of them.

“Well I’d like to, or, at least, but … well, (nervous laugh), nevermind.” This is his impression of every Hugh Grant character.

Was willing to make the final sacrifice until he learned, “seriously!? THAT’S what that means?? It’s so … PERMANENT!”

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Animal Facts

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