The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘funny’

To Joke, or Not to Joke

I’m at a work event where I know very few people. These events can be tough on me because I make little jokes, but people don’t realize I’m joking. Some of the highlights from the last work conference where I had jokes fall flat.

1 – A man is writing on a piece of paper how many years each of us in his class has been working. Then he asks us to count them up to see just how much experience the room has. Clearly, all the years add up to a very large number. Because I want to be funny, I say this …

“I’m gonna say at least 3.”
“Well it’s a little higher than that, keep counting!”

Not only did this not get a laugh, he now thinks I’m incredibly stupid.

 

2 – We are divided up into teams based on some little personality test they have us do. We have to list reason for conflicts with co-workers. The exercise is to show that either every one has the same reasons (communication-oriented probably) or that different groups see different problems … I don’t remember. What I do remember is my failed joke.

“Ok any other conflicts?”
“Dance fights.”
“What?” (This is where I should’ve stopped and said, ‘just kidding!’ but nope.)
“Too many dance fights at work.”
“Uh …”

Had I been clever I would’ve moon-walked right out of that room. Oh and also I would need to know how to moonwalk.

 

3 – I’m looking into the future and seeing this one. This is a brilliant joke I heard a friend tell and I’m going to steal it. The joke is this – you admit with some shame that you can be a little condescending, then you pick one person out and explain to them very obnoxiously, “that means I sometimes talk down to people.”

“Ok, so class, what are some faults you have that you want to work on?”
“Well, I can be a little condescending … (Picking 0ut someone nearby) That means I sometimes talk down to people.”
That guy, annoyed: “I know what condescending means!”

Seriously, this is going to end up happening. And yet I won’t be able to stop myself.

 

4 – Again, future failure. Because I’m surrounding by type-As the word decisive will undoubtedly heard. When I hear this I’ll stop paying attention and hope for my chance to jump in with a joke (it’s obnoxious of me but true).

“Oh I’d say I’m very decisive as well … I think. Or maybe … well I don’t know. Put me down as 50% decisive.”
With derision: “Uh … then you’re not really decisive, dude.”

It’s good to be here.

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Weekly Wacko

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Quick Hits from D.C.

Hello friends … how are ye? I’m in the D.C. area for a little trip.

I

I’ll throw out a statement my cousin, and sometime commenter, made yesterday:

He was talking about seeing a beautiful woman and the thoughts that follow

  • She’s probably a jerk because she’s so beautiful
  • She’s probably too good to talk to him
  • “Or three, I’m an idiot because neither of those first things are true but I’m too afraid to go talk to her.”

I won’t say that last one is a direct quote because I didn’t write it down then, but I thought that was pretty brilliant from ol’ cousin G.

II

I also got to meet up with a friend of mine I haven’t seen since high school. I had bragged somewhat about meeting up with her because she’s a writer for a very well known and good magazine … Time.

Yeah. That’s right. I know a real writer.

She called me a tramp many times. This is because, at dinner one night, we (along with friends of hers) talked about if a kiss at the end of a good first date is expected. I said yes. She said no. Therefore, I was a tramp. So you’ve heard it here first, folks, Time magazine thinks I’m a tramp.

III

Last night I went to a coffee shop mainly to check emails. I noticed a table right by me with two girls, one of them on her laptop. She was looking at okcupid and plentyoffish, two dating websites. She was reading some messages to her friend, and they were laughing about guys on that site.

Sure it could be perceived as mean, but I’d challenge you to be on one of those sites and NOT do that sometimes.

One of the messages the girl had gotten involved the guy telling her she was lucky to have received a message from him, that it was a great experience. I thought that was pretty good.

I actually ended up talking to them about the sites and how they enjoy them. One of the girls told me the other girl was trying to date the village people – a biker, a cop, an Indian chief, a … whatever the rest are. This was a joke goal, but also pretty fantastic.

Girl 1: Where will we find a cowboy?
Girl 2: Ok well it doesn’t have to be a cowboy.
Girl 1: Yeah, it could just be like a guy from Texas.
Girl 2: Yeah. He’d have to wear a cowboy hat though.
Girl 1: Ok so a guy from Texas.
(Me sitting there, visiting from Texas.)

The fact that I went up and talked to these two was enough bold, outgoing-ness for one day. I wasn’t about to say, “ya’ll lookin’ for a Texan? Aw now, look no futha’.” Except wait, I’m awkward.

Me: I’m actually visiting here from Houston.
Girl 1: Perfect! You two can date!
(Girl 2 probably scared.)
Me: Well I’m not FROM Texas. You need one of my co-workers with a real thick drawl.
Girl 1: Oh ok.
(Unsure where to go from there … a little awkward silence … I made fun of Texas … then the shop owner says ok get out. It was closing time.)

Congratulations to me.

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Weekly Wacko

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My Zombie Roomy (5/24/11)

Well, it’s been an interesting last few days with the Zombie. I don’t know where he learned this, but he’s started doing the ‘wink, wink, nudge, nudge’ thing to me.

At first, it was hysterical. I cracked up a ton and I figured he kept doing it randomly because it was getting such a reaction from me.

I was wrong. It turns out he just does it randomly. You would think this would be comedy gold, but it’s not. I think he’s picked up maybe a third of the objects in my house and done the wink/nudge thing with them. I have no idea what you’re implying Zombie and neither do they, because they’re inanimate.

Oh wait … I maybe take it back. He just picked up a Lego man that is a gorilla and did that and I find this strangely hysterical.

(Don’t get the wink wink, nudge nudge? Check out this excellent guide.)

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My Zombie Roomy

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