The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘God’

God’s Watching You, and It’s Weird

When I was very young I had a conversation with my grandma that really impacted my outlook on religion. She was convinced that I had gone to the bathroom and had not washed my hands. This was annoying to me because I HAD washed my hands (duh grandma, I’m not gross). But she didn’t believe me. In her eyes I was a 3rd/4th grader, and therefore a slimy, dirty little kid (I think she found boys to be naturally more gross than girls – which may be accurate – but I wash my hands thank you).

I’m clearly still upset about the hand washing. (But don’t worry I have a solution for when people DON’T wash their hands!)

Anywho.

I went back and washed my hands. Again. When I left my grandma was waiting to give me a little speech. I have no idea what exactly she said to me, but I know in the speech she involved God and how He was always watching. He would know if I washed my hands or not. Of course the intention here was to permanently put the fear of God in me in the form of hand washing (one of God’s pet peeves perhaps?).

Except it didn’t work quite like that. One, because I had already washed my hands. Two, because it made me think God was watching me use the bathroom. This was a very unsettling thought.

From there the idea changed in shape some. The idea of someone seeing everything was too much for me to comprehend. (Yes, God is incomprehensible and all that, that’s cool, but … my mind won’t allow that, it’s too engineering-y) The way it worked in my head was that everyone had, in Heaven, a room full of VCRs (God worked with the latest technology of 1993/1994). The VCRs had recordings of your WHOLE life! Every single beautiful, sad, wonderful, and mundane moment.

And … the time you spent in the bathroom.

It was a neat little crisis of faith as a fourth grader to question if God was a perv. Ahh childhood, so innocent … and derailed into a wilderness of weird, from which I have never left.

Category:

Weekly Wacko

Tagged with:

Quotes of the Day!

Recently I read (and loved) Boy by Roald Dahl. If you’re a Roald Dahl fan, you’ll probably love this book. Even if you’re not, it’s still fun. The book covers up to when he was twenty years old. He’s a great story teller and had some pretty amazing experiences as a kid. It’s clear, too, where the motivation for some of his characters and stories came from (in one story he explicitly states that it was the motivation behind Charlie and the Chocolate Factory).

Without further ado, some quotes:

 

‘God works in mysterious ways,’ she said, which was her stock reply whenever she didn’t know the answer.

 

Behind the moustache there lived an inflamed and savage face with a deeply corrugated brow that indicated a very limited intelligence. ‘Life is a puzzlement,’ the corrugated brow seemed to be saying, ‘and the world is a dangerous place. All men are enemies and small boys are insects that will turn and bite you if you don’t get them first and squash them hard.’

 

The Headmaster, while I was at Repton, struck me as being a rather shoddy bandy-legged little fellow with a big bald head and lots of energy but not much charm. Mind you, I never did know him well because in all those months and years I was at the school, I doubt whether he addressed more than six sentences to me altogether. So perhaps it was wrong of me to form a judgment like that.

Category:

Quotes of the Day!

Tagged with:

Attn: Ellen (4/13/11)

Front


Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

The text of the postcard is:

Dear Ellen,

This is the two-page long romance novel called, “If Incest is Wrong – Let God Strike Us Down With Lightning!”

It ends … suddenly.

Sincerely,
DumbFunnery.com

Category:

Attn: Ellen

Tagged with: