The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘humor’

The Coffee Pots

My latest corporate development is an unfortunate one – I have taken on a new pet peeve. Just what everyone wants, things in their life that had always been there but now they drive them nuts.

At work I sit near a coffee machine that has three coffee pots. Two normal and one for decaf (I think we have one, maybe two decaf drinkers … you guys are just messing it up for everyone. A full pot for you crazies? Madness.)

A coworker has a system for the coffee pots which I subscribe to, as do a number of others. The system is that you pour coffee from the right coffee pot, and when that is empty you move the left one over and start a new pot brewing in the now emptied pot. Therefore the left should always be full, or if a rush comes and lots of coffee is taken, someone is setting the machine up to brew a new pot. A smooth machine.

But. There are … those. Those who do not subscribe to the system. Those who come around and pour a little bit from each pot. Because it is inevitable that I come around and the right one is mostly empty (grumble grumble, lazy jerks) and then the left one is … equally almost empty (lip snarl grumble long exhale head shake).

The coffee scoundrels.

That’s when a few sound bytes will appear in my mind – “it’s not that hard, just make another pot.” But then, “EXACTLY. It’s not that hard! Who is the punk that is stealing coffee lazily!?”

Now when I’m at the coffee pot I watch people. I judge. I make predictions and assumptions.

And these, these dear future children, are the kinds of mental developments that happen when you are a corporate entity.

***

Want the history of “Corporate Brad?” Sure, have at it …
•    Corporate Brad – From 3/15/2010
•    Self-Assessment – From 10/25/2012
•    Don’t Mess Up – From 4/25/2013
•    SysML, UML, and My Most Ambitious Self – From 6/13/2013
•    Corporate Brad Update – From 9/16/2013
•    Corporate Brad Announcement – From 8/11/2014
•    My Legacy at Work – From 11/24/2014

Squatter’s Writes

A friend of mine might be joining a band, so I went ahead and wrote a song for him to dazzle his new bandmates. It’s called Squatter’s Writes.

 

Squatter’s Writes

(to the tune of Bye, Bye Miss American Pie)
Many, many moons ago
There lived a man who you might know
His name was Henry David Thoreau
And he wrote this book while feeling … the flow

(A slow-moving, reflection kind of tone)
When nature speaks you shut up and listen
If you don’t your brow will glisten
Dig a hole in the ground
Let your imagination go to great heights
Because buddy, pal, my main muchacho,
We’re talking ‘bout Squatter’s Writes

(A mix of country and rap, a crap if you will)
While writing Walden HDT only ate prunes
He kept a journal out in a field
He wore wool socks to keep warm at night
Talking to himself was more than all right
He’d sit there answering nature’s call
Reflecting, and writing, about it all

Attn: Ellen (5/20/15)

Front

Ellen DeGeneres postcard

Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

Ellen DeGeneres postcard

The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

I think if an alien came to Earth and asked for one representative for an intergalactic skills competition I would pick an Olympic gymnast OR a dead guy. The gymnast because they’re so tiny and flexible and fit. The dead guy because, while I don’t know this imaginary alien, I feel like he’d respect the bold choice and share a chuckle with me.

Who would you send?

Sincerely,
DumbFunnery.com OR @DumbFunnery

Why am I doing this?