The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘humor’

Quotes of the Week!

When I was home around Christmas time, I took the opportunity of having no classes or work to read some really dorky books. (I wrote out one of the books back of the book summary already.)

These books were really impressively dorky, and I’d like to share some of the great quotes from them.

Edward S. Aarons

When all was quiet again, he closed the door and turned back to her, and saw that she had shed her bikini and was waiting for him.
“No dice,” he said.

***

Three hours later, he found Valetti.
It was in the Brighton morgue.

***

The face was round and babyish; the eyes were those of a disillusioned old man.

***

“A pity. Do you know the term ‘berserker,’ Mr. Durell? I am a berserker. A Viking filled with the lust for blood. Your blood.”

***

Bron Fane

“If you can imagine your own problems in detection multiplied by infinity, and laced with a thousand indescribably important technical details, then you will realise something of the task which confronts a Time Warden,” said Chronol.

***

“It sounds rather frightening,” he said. “Time and Space mean nothing to the killer from Tomorrow.”

***

Reality was a ship that defied reality, and he was in it – a passenger of the Time Warden. He shook his head slowly.

***

“You’ve been mixed up with things natural and supernatural. You also, quite recently, got yourself tangled up with a rather strange planet.”
“Oh, you mean the adventure which my friend Bron Fane chronicled under the title The Intruders,” answered Val.

***

Bron Fane is the AUTHOR of this book, and referenced another one of his books in this book. That is amazing!

But, a quick wikipedia search has now confused me … Apparently Bron Fane is a pseudonym that was used by Lionel Fanthorpe, a British priest (Somewhere Out There did have a clearly pro-Christian part). Fanthorpe wrote for Badger Books which had a number of pseudonyms that any of their authors could pick up and use. SO, the author was referencing himself … but possibly a different person.

Kooky, eh?

How to Make Someone Out for a Jog Feel Weird

When I was in Phoenix for Christmas I went for a jog. It was a delightful little run, except for the fact that it was tough and a random man weirded me out. Yes, that’s the technical term, he WEIRDED ME OUT!

I was jogging across a main street, jamming out to my music and going happily (ish) along when this stranger, with body language that (in my head) suggested he was saying something rude/something he thought was funny said something to me. Fortunately/unfortunately, I didn’t hear a word of it because of Young the Giant.

It could be that I am crazy and he said something pleasant like, “nice day for a jog, huh?” but my gut tells me he was a Weirdo McCreepy.

Which brings me to today’s all-important post!:

How to make someone out for a jog feel self-conscious and/or uneasy!

1 – If you see someone jogging by you with headphones on, whisper something pleasant with a sour look on your face. “I admire your commitment to running on such a cold day!” you could say with a scowl and cock-eyed. Say it quietly enough that they can’t hear you, and so that they’ll assume the worst!

2 – Look at the persons crotch-al region, look visibly frightened, and then quickly look away. This will be sure to stay on the runner’s mind for a while.

3 – Go for an enthusiastic high-five as the runner goes by, and if she or he high-fives you, stop dead in your tracks and stare angrily at the runner. The runner, amused/encouraged by the high-five from a stranger, may look back after passing you and then be completely confused by your reaction. ‘If you didn’t want a high-five why did you … There’s not even anyone else … It just … WHAT?!’ the runner will think while zooming on.

4 – Look at the runner casually and give an encouring, albeit noncommittal grin, then look past the runner, do a double take at an imaginary swarm of bears who have smaller bears who are trained in close-quarters combat on their backs, don the appropriate look of fear, start running with the runner … pretending this runner isn’t out for exercise, but for survival.

5 – Give the runner a knowing wink. Or an alluring wink. Or maybe a confused look, quickly transitioning to an over-the-top attempt to look cool face, followed by a wink.

Have at it, folks!

***

And if any runners read this and think, ‘why would you do this?,’ I’ll tell you why. Running is tiring. Taking your mind off the pain/exertion by trying to dissect some weirdo’s actions can really distract you, and help carry you through the run for a while. It’s therefore helpful for the runner, and it gives anyone a chance to be a weirdo – what’s not to love here?

Attn: Ellen (1/23/13)

Front

Ellen DeGeneres postcard

Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

Ellen DeGeneres lugubrious

The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

You know what’s fun? The word lugubrious. It means, “Looking or sounding sad and dismal.”

I think, given how funny the word is, it should mean, “Comically gross phlegm.” Way better! See, I’ll show you: “Ewww, that dude just sneezed and it was all lugubrious!”

Ever serving the English language,
DumbFunnery.com

Why am I doing this?