The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘humor’

Three Boys at a Doorstep

Lebron James looked around, fidgeting. Kobe Bryant rolled his eyes and said, “fine, I’ll do it – but you need to learn to man up and just gun it.” That’s when Kobe reached out and rang the doorbell. (Though, to be honest, he was fidgeting too.) Meanwhile Dirk Nowitzki looked sort of like a billy goat.

The boys heard someone coming to the door and they all stared apprehensively at the handle.

The door opened.

A kind woman was standing there, smiling at the sheepish boys. “Why hello! I hadn’t seen you for a while!”

“Hi,” the boys said in unison, “is Talent home?” A keen observer would notice that the three boys had their fingers crossed.

“Ohh,” the woman said sadly, “I’m sorry boys, Talent took a trip with Off-Season-Effort.”

Dirk loosened an imaginary tie, Kobe overtly gulped and Lebron chewed his nails like a beaver attacks a tree.

“But,” the woman continued, “Talent will be back around the start of February.”

The three boys looked at each other, shrugged, said “OK!” and walked away happily.

An Ode to New Year’s Resolutions

It’s nice to look to New Year’s Resolutions
As providing “I’ll get to it tomorrow” solutions
But look fast, my friend,
Last year is at an end
That means your resolutions start now
Give them a shot before you disavow

This year – an early bedtime every night!
You’ll be alert and awake and oh-so-bright!
But … that one show’s on late tonight …
And coffee can keep work all right

Ok, well, there’s working out every day!
Co-workers will see me and not know what to say
I’ll need protein with my work-outs, in the form of fillet
But, to properly prepare a fillet
You really need all day
So in my kitchen preparing, and snacking, I will stay!
Besides, working out resolutions are so passé

Eating better, though, that I … I …
Well, I mean, I can try …
(I’m saying that with a sigh
As I kiss Oreos, Doughnuts, and happiness goodbye)

RESOLUTIONS UPDATED!
Life’s too short to be un-sated
Be nice to people, animals, and the planet
As for the rest, roll with it

Attn: Ellen (12/28/11)

Front


Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

There is a very real, and sad, chance that this postcard will accurately represent my New Year’s Eve.

On the plus side, soggy pizza is delicious?

Hope you have a fantastic New Year’s!!

Sincerely,
DumbFunnery.com