The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘humor’

Attn: Ellen (11/2/16)

Front

ellen284a

Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

ellen284b

The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

From one famous person to another, sometimes all the free stuff is a bit much, right?

…Well. So. To be a little more honest, I got this postcard and more from underatreeprints.com because my buddy TS is a nice guy AND because he and his mom started the business! (They’re the artists, pretty good, right?)

Sincerely,
DumbFunnery.com

(Or, if you want some cards or postcard, @underatreeprint)

Why am I doing this?

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Attn: Ellen

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Halloween!

It’s Halloween today. (If you weren’t already aware of that, this post is probably fairly meaningless to you.)
Don’t have a costume? Don’t have any minute to spare to pick up whatever is left on the shelves at your closest store with costumes? Don’t worry! Here are five last minute costume ideas that’ll turn heads, make your mamma proud, and raise self-awareness!
  1. Sailor on shore leave
    Dress in jeans, a polo, and a pair of sneakers (for the fellas) … ladies, I don’t know, same thing?
    Tell people you just got off a boat that you’d been on for 10 months, and maybe do an impression of a fog horn, also throw out an ‘aye matey’ or two just because.
    Caution: People may accuse you of just wearing casual Friday work clothes, but that’s an ok thing to be accused of because that’s exactly what you’ll be doing.
  2. Someone’s Dream
    Don’t go to any parties, if people text or call say, “you’ve got to chase ME, man, I don’t just come to you.”
    Likelihood someone gets this? 0.1%
    But if someone does, you should probably marry that person or start phasing that person out of your life.
  3. Donald Trump
    Have a stuffed animal cat? Grab it aggressively, walk around talking about a wall, and say things like, “I’m not racist, but …”
    Con: Way too many people will be doing this.
    Pro: People seem to enjoy obvious comedy.
  4. Old McDonald
    Dress as slovenly and poorly as possible, whatever that means to you and your closet/dresser/corner of your room. Also bring a bottle of liquor, maybe even pour some on yourself to really commit to the costume.
    We all know the song – ‘Old McDonald had a farm …’ Yeah, he HAD a farm.
    Have fun with it: What happened to Old McDonald’s farm? Do you hate the government now? Was it booze? Gambling? Aliens? Tell a new story to every person you meet!
  5. Yourself from one day in the future
    Dress however you want, but tell everyone how amazing your costume was yesterday, and then explain how woeful it is that you are from one day in the future.
    Seriously?: Yeah, I’m out of ideas.
    …: Look, it’s just a few hours til kids arrive with candy, get cracking on that costume!
6-compelling-grumpy-cat-plush-toy-uk-warrior-cat-plush-toys-grumpy-cat-plush-toys-r-us-big-the-cat-plush-toys-cat-toys-plush-ball-toys-felix-the-cat-plush-toys-pete-the-cat-plush-toys-cat-plush

Afraid you’ll go to a party and not know anyone and just feel out of place? Bring a stuffed animal – have your costume be the weirdo in the corner cuddling with a stuffed animal!

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Du Jour of the Week

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It’s Christopher Walken, Not …

Christopher Walken at a Kohl’s 50% Men’s Slacks Sale

Friend: Chris, come on man, they’re gonna be outta pants by the time we get there!
Christopher: Hey! It’s Christopher Walken, not Christopher Runnin.

 

Christopher Walken at a Children’s Dance-A-Thon for Charity

Child: Mr. Walken, will you dance with me?
Christopher: It’s Christopher Walken, but … yes, I will.

 

Christopher Walken reading a blog post

Blogger: Hey check it out, it’s pretty funny, or at least … mildly funny?
Christopher: Listen, it’s Christopher Walken, not Christopher laughin at a post that is … frankly, a little uninspired. I mean, come on, the same joke over and over but varied slightly? What is this, an overly long SNL skit?
Blogger: Well … what if the blog has been around like, a REALLY LONG TIME, and sometimes the blogger just wants to mail it in for a post or 100 posts or so?
Chistopher: You think I should lower my humor standards for this?
Blogger: If you wouldn’t mind, that’d help me out tremendously.
Christopher: Ok. Then … hm. There. You got one amused hm.

 

Christopher Walken outside a bunch of town homes, with 7 dogs on leashes with him

Person: Woah! Christopher Walken! What are you doing here?
Christopher: Dogs! They’re … great. I LOVE dogs. And people … have to work, but the dogs … sit at HOME. So lonely. Long days are tough for … dogs.
Person: You have a dog sitting business?
Christopher: No! Of course not. Don’t be ridiculous. I have a dog … Walken … business.
Christopher Walken puts on a pair of woman’s sunglasses and walks away

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Du Jour of the Week

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