The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘Poem’

De Jour of the Week (4/5/10)

4/5/2010
Who doesn’t have a love-hate with Wal-Mart?

An Ode to Wal-Mart

Love me tender,
Love me big-spender,
Love me some Wal-Mart in all its splendor.

Someone is blocking the aisle, “excuse me misssss … ter?”
Don’t get me started on that confusing disaster.

So overweight that using the automatic wheelchair causes you to work up a sweat …
It’s almost too pathetic to make fun of … almost, but not yet.

You’re paying for condoms with some food stamps –
Ladies left town and all we have now are tramps.

A personal cell phone call with your apparently deaf friend about cramps, sure, that’s appropriate –
The disgusted ‘this is personal!’ look you give to anyone who unwillingly overhears is what they get!

Your leopard print, skin tight pajama pants are impressive –
The image it’s seared into my brain is oppressive.

Your child is crying, wrecking your A-game with that hunk of burning (STDs) love –
Would you mind handling everything you ever, EVER touch with a latex glove?

‘Born in the USA!’ t-shirt worn with mustard-stained, one-size-too-small, pride –
I’m guessing the truck with a Confederate flag and missing headlight is your ride?

What’s this? A cute sight? A daddy playing with his daughter!
Ew. He just checked out that teenage chick. Just more Wal-Mart fodder.

Your child is wearing a shirt that says, “bitch give me a hot dog” –
Methinks during pregnancy you couldn’t resist the eggnog?

Emaciated, and overweight –
How did you reach a feat so great?
Yes, I love me some Wal-Mart,
It’s near and dear to my heart,
And when we finally decide to do some fix-ups on America it’s a great big beacon of where to start.

–   Bored? Check out this site: http://www.peopleofwalmart.com/  –

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De Jour of the Week (3/29/10)

I’m trying to get back into jogging. After I finish a few things I’m heading out to jog! The weather is awesome out – so how can I not go jogging right now? But really, there’s a Papa Johns by me which means I eat Papa Johns regularly now because MAN that smells so good.

3/29/10

Get FIT!

OK self, you can do this
No … not strong enough, you CAN DO THIS!

Mentally psyched? Check.
Physically psyched? Not check.

Every time I think about starting to work out
I think about that vacation in 4 weeks and how that’ll cause a productivity drought
“I’ll be in the swing of things, then vacation will derail me!” I pout,
‘Working out will just have to be put off’ I think, ‘about it there is no doubt.’

I shake it off and think, no, no, you can do this
That’s right – you CAN DO THIS!

Oh wait, my sneakers are in such bad shape
I’ll get blisters and then my foot I’ll have to tape
You see, that’s yet another plausible escape

Forget that! bring on a wicked blister!
Well … No … Don’t bring on a wicked blister
But bring on the workout, no more excuses, mister!/ (not to be sexist)sister!

Yes, I’m shaking it off – I know I can do this
Yeah, I said it, I said I know I CAN DO THIS!

My workout clothes on, I’m starting to stretch
I feel gross already. Does jogging go with a lunch of tex-mex?

Ignore the voices inside my head
Also, ignore my body which is thinking of my bed
My comfortable, comfortable, non-judgmental bed …

No! Stop that! who can do this?
Um? … I? … Can do this?

Uh oh, I’m losing steam
Would taking a nap in work-out clothes be some gym-rat blaspheme?

Quiet, self, picture rock hard abs!
Then picture me being in decent enough shape to date someone with rock hard abs!

I guess … yeah … I guess you can do this?
Yeah! … yeah! … I can probably do this!

I’m out the door, no more thinking!
(Plus I’ve decided my reward for this ‘workout’ will be that buffet for all-you-can-eating-and-drinking)
Yes, dear self, work out some then you can make yourself into stuffing

400 calories burned!
2000 calories earned!!!

Yeah, I can do totally do this
Eyes on the prize and I CAN DO THIS!

Oh sweet Lord what is that glorious smell?
Every neighbor is out cooking – burgers, steak, pizza! – this is hell

You’re taunting me, world
My plan you want unfurled!

Quick, run away from those … do I smell a bakery? … NO! I CAN DO THIS!
I think I’m … yes … I’m actually doing this!

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De Jour of the Week (3/7/10)

3/7/2010

An Ode to the Guy Who Just Cut Me Off/Tried to Kill Me

Some people are pretty nice
Some people are just pretty (aw, now that’s not nice …)

And then there’s you.
YOU!

Oh, you with the car that goes so fast
You who look trampy and slutty and fast

What? I can’t judge you?
I can’t assume everything bad about you?

Gee, that soda was meant to end up on me
Those were empty calories that would’ve fattened me

I’m calming, I’m calming, you’re just an oblivious, bad driver
If you can consider someone who weeves through traffic like a needle through thread a driver

Is there a race going on in your mind?
Or are you just out of your mind?

And – wait – did you just give me a thanks wave?
I know a sarcastic thanks wave when I see a sarcastic thanks wave.

Oh, if I wasn’t! –
But I’m nice and have good values (But … If … I … Wasn’t …)

Whoops I pictured your tires all popping at once
And I have a feeling I’ll picture that more than once

Because now we’re bumper to bumper
And I wonder if my bumper is stronger than your bumper

What? I’m innocent, I’m decent, I’m sweet as sugar
Yes, I’m sugar, I’m full of rage and annoyance and anger and … sugar

Ok! Stop it! Think positive thoughts
Ah, it’s so … rainy outside and … it’s a Monday … and … where are my positive thoughts?

Phew, traffic is picking up now a bit
And I see an exit for an in-n-out so I’m chomping at the bit

Life is good, life is grand, life couldn’t be better
Well if dumbo here sneezed so hard he head butted his steering wheel life would maaaaybe be a bit better

No, no, that’s not right – as the traffic flows, my anger goes
Goodbye anger, goodbye moron, weaving through traffic he again goes …

But enough! Good luck fellow drivers! And even good luck dummy
Yes, I’m serious, I’ve forgiven the dummy

What a guy I am, what a saint
Though I guess thoughts of a double cheeseburger, fries and a shake can make anyone a saint

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