The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘Poem’

To the Fans of the Mayans

Meteors are crashing down

Destruction rains all around

Dinosaurs have re-inhabited the Earth

They are crushing people with smirks and mirth

Five hundred tornadoes suddenly appeared

But I don’t find any of this weird

Godzilla is riding a super-sized dragon

Throwing presents from his TNT-filled wagon

An earthquake has swallowed Hawaii

Ignorant dolts are screaming ‘why, oh why!’

I don’t mean to sound crass or mean

But all I’m feeling is this dopamine

You see, when you are proven right

A shot of dopamine is there for your delight

I KNEW the Mayans had it figured out

I knew it with all my heart, without a doubt

So you see … oh crap, a foul-tempered liger

Excuse me while I run away with my righteous swagger

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Du Jour of the Week

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Attn: Ellen (12/19/12)

Front

Ellen DeGeneres Christmas poem

Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

Ellen DeGeneres Christmas poem

The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

It’s crunch time for presents,
That one person is left.
Though crowds are full of tyrants …
You can’t leave that one bereft.

(And pst, what’s with that one?
The one you can never figure out,
Leaving your to-do list undone
That non-gift-inspiring lout.)

You head out to a nearby store
Seeking gift idea motivation
Oh, look, there’s something so-and-so would adore!
But you’re set there, you think with aggravation.

Then you see a weirdly realistic looking cat shaped soap dispenser
If it can’t be perfect – here’s a simple rule – go for tacky
(The soap comes out of an orifice not associated with a cleanser)
From me to you, I hope your holidays are delightfully wacky!

Sincerely,
DumbFunnery.com

Why am I doing this?

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Attn: Ellen

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The Ice Cream Plight

Ice cream, oh ice cream
It is of you I now dream
Ice cream which would give such delight!
But ice cream that requires moving off my couch tonight

Past self, at the grocery store,
“Bad eating habits? No more!”
You FOOL! You goon! You dummy.
A life … without ice cream … is not yummy.

And so, to the closest store I go
For overpriced chocolate chip cookie dough
At the grocery store soon after
I’ll think back with self-chiding laughter
“No, I ate too much ice cream that night.
“Cutting out sweets is definitely right.”

Yes, my friends, my foes
These are the ice cream woes
Take heed at the grocery store tonight!
Don’t think, just buy, avoid the Ice Cream Plight

Category:

Du Jour of the Week

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