The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘shopping’

Attn: Ellen (12/19/12)

Front

Ellen DeGeneres Christmas poem

Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

Ellen DeGeneres Christmas poem

The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

It’s crunch time for presents,
That one person is left.
Though crowds are full of tyrants …
You can’t leave that one bereft.

(And pst, what’s with that one?
The one you can never figure out,
Leaving your to-do list undone
That non-gift-inspiring lout.)

You head out to a nearby store
Seeking gift idea motivation
Oh, look, there’s something so-and-so would adore!
But you’re set there, you think with aggravation.

Then you see a weirdly realistic looking cat shaped soap dispenser
If it can’t be perfect – here’s a simple rule – go for tacky
(The soap comes out of an orifice not associated with a cleanser)
From me to you, I hope your holidays are delightfully wacky!

Sincerely,
DumbFunnery.com

Why am I doing this?

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Attn: Ellen

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My Zombie Roomy (12/15/11)

Here’s an assumption I feel comfortable making – zombies don’t buy people Christmas gifts. Heck, I’d even assume zombies don’t buy other zombies Christmas gifts. It just doesn’t jive.

You’re with me on this assumption, right? Of course.

But then …

But then I come in my apartment, I go to wash laundry, and like my mom the whole month of December the Zombie quickly slammed the door, grabbed a bag, held it like it was a prized possession, gave me a dirty look and sprinted from the room.

Only with mom I always thought, “Christmas gift!,” I never thought, “Christmas gift! … Or dead body parts … Hmm.”

Either way I guess I’ll get the Zombie something. Any ideas on what? I’m going to keep thinking, maybe check out the mall this weekend. If nothing else I may just give the Zombie my permission to go eat a few bratty kids at the mall. (Tis the season?)

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My Zombie Roomy

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Lies I Readily Tell to Salespeople

“How would you like to LOOK and FEEL better!?!?!”
“As a hobby, I hate myself, so that would be bad.”

—

“Excuse me sir … excuse me …”
(Mistake of acknowledging the mall kiosk person exists.)
“Do you celebrate Christmas?”
“Nope.”

—

(Cute salesgirl approaches …)
“Are you looking for anything in particular?”
“Do you know which section a book by <Insert author that I think she might like> would be?”

—

“You know that’s a woman’s sweater …?”
“Yeah! Hahaha! … It’s for … My girlfriend … She’s built like me? … Or … Uh … Shoot.”

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