The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘Short Short Story’

The First Thirty Thoughts I Would Have, In Order, If A UFO Landed in Front of Me

*Fwoosh – The Ship Appears*

1 – Holy crap.
2 – Dang!, wish I had my camera!
3 – Can I out-run my friends?
4 – What if they eat the fastest one of us?
5 – Can I out-run the aliens?
6 – Hopefully they won’t try and eat us.
7 – Dang I should’ve had that third doughnut!
8 – Nah they won’t kill us.
9 – I’m going to die and have wasted a doughnut!
10 – Oh man!
11 – What if they stink?
12 – What if they’re super intelligent.
13 – Incredibly kind.
14 – Can solve all our problems.
15 – But stink horribly?
16 – Does the UN have a stink-council?
17 – They will soon.
18 – I wonder what their language will sound like.
19 – What if they all sound like Ray Romano?
20 – Smelly, Ray Romano aliens.
21 – What if it turns out to be God, and He’s been cruising around and found a bunch of utopias and realized He should’ve spent, oh I don’t know, a week-and-a-half making us instead of a week.
22 – I should start to dance.
23 – “Welcome to Earth … check this out, it’s called ‘the white chocolate.'”
24 – If they land and probe me, I’m going to feel kinda bad for having laughed when I heard people saying that kind of thing.
25 – Although, it’s still kinda funny.
26 – Space Pervs! Hahaha. Sounds like a good spoof superhero flick.
27 – I should blog about that.
28 – Oh crap the door is opening …
29 – Is my last thought really going to be about blogging?
30 – Man I really wish I’d eaten that doughnut.

*Kablooey*

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Short Short Stories

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Julius Caesar’s Heart Stopped

Julius Caesar was again aware of where he was.

At first he’d been too shocked. He wasn’t aware of his breathing. Everything moved in slow motion. He realized fifty things at once – he’d been taking life for granted was the main idea behind everything.

Yes. Julius Caesar had his first crush.

Time rushed back to him in a flash and he realized he’d just been staring at that girl. Pure joy flowed through him. He had to fight the urge to run and smile so big it’d hurt. Those weren’t appropriate things to do but they were the limitations of his body. Ideally he’d float, but he had to settle for smiles, sighs and suppressing the desire to shout.

A few weeks later he had his first conversation with her.

A month after that he got to talk to her alone for the first time.

A week after that they went out.

“JULIUS!,” Caesar’s mother yelled. “Where are you going?”

Caesar told his mother something, but he has no idea what he said. His mind was approximately 3,276 steps away, at the front door of her house. He’d counted one time.

When she broke up with him, six days later, he was heartbroken. If his brain had been capable of thoughts other than a muted pain, he would’ve sworn that he’d never love again. He was too broken for making love-sick promises. It was March 15th, and Julius Caesar’s heart had stopped.

And so, many many years later, when Brutus stabbed Julius Caesar, and his heart stopped for the second time in his life, he said, “et tu, Brute?”

***

Happy Ides of March day everyone!

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Short Short Stories

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Worry-Free Man Dead

At 9:42 am, today, Doug Johnson saw a genie. At 12:42 pm, today, Doug Johnson was found dead.

Johnson, a high-powered executive, had been driven by fear and worry for many years. After a recent heart attack he was told he needed to seek ways to reduce his stress and worry. As a friend, Betty LePaige said, “as a practical joke, Doug went to see a genie. Really, we all found it funny. Like a Genie can actually grant wishes! But it didn’t work out so hot I guess. Genies, huh?”

According to various sources that saw Johnson through the course of the day, security cameras, nanny cameras, and a whole lot of policemen, the genie granted Johnson’s wish of no longer having “any worry.”

“What? I just? You know. The customer wants what he wants, wh-wh-what can I say? Hm?” the Genie said while doing his best Woody Allen impression.

After leaving the Genie’s business, ‘Genie Bone’s Connected to Your Happiness-Bone!’ Johnson immediately went to a Jaguar dealership.

“Oh yeah, we totally screwed him on the deal,” an unnamed source at the dealership said. “But he drove away really happy – who wouldn’t in a brand new Jag? Say I noticed you’ve got an older car out in the lot …” At this point the dealer smiled, and I was temporarily blinded by his charm and smarm.

The Genie reports what happened next. “Doug really had to go to the bathroom. So he did. In his brand new Jag.” When asked how the Genie knew Doug’s thoughts the Genie replied, “look, Brad Stanley thought it’d be funny if this guy was so worry-free that he’d pee himself. So he made me omnipotent, so that I could talk about this. OK!?”

Shortly after going weewee, Johnson came to a stoplight where a cop was stopped next to him. Again without any reason to stop himself Johnson yelled something he’d always wanted to yell at the police, “COWABUNGA SHRED-HEAD!” Without any real reason to arrest him the cops decided they should follow him until they figured an arrest-worthy event would happen.

Unfortunately, that moment never came.

Johnson, in his new car, had a thought occur (said the Genie), “say, is this one of those doors where if it’s locked you can’t open it? Or will it unlock and allow me to open the door?”

Upon finding out Johnson fell out of his car and was run over by Shredder.

Didn’t see that coming did you?

 

The End

 

P.S. I haven’t been getting enough sleep lately.

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Short Short Stories

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