The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Archive for January, 2015

Whisper’s What’s What

Step up, shut up and listen up folks because I’ve got a tale to tell. A little less than a bit of time ago I was as open-eyed and curious and full of crum-dumb tomfoolery something or other. But now with Whisper’s What’s What I can see more than the average, I hear more than two ears should be expected to hear, and I can smell what ails you.

And what ails you, dear friends, is a lack of confidence.

And what else ails you?, eh?, I’ll tell you – it’s a lack of memory. And of confidence.

But shh, stare no more at my shirtless, shining, gleaming, muscled up bodice, belly button lint-free I might add: for I am just a representation of what you could be had you a bottle of Whisper’s What What.

How?, what?, for me?, for … free?

FREE! Yes I said the OTHER magic word, not thanks, not skanks, not hi-janks to get you some product seduced by sex and selective feelings of superiority. No, no. This is a guaranteed, bonified to leave you stupefied pro-duct. I wouldn’t emphasize the pro if I didn’t feel confident about Whisper’s What What.

How much, then, hm? How much would you pay to be the shining example, to be the boy, the girl, the man, the woman on the poster? Hm? How much would you pay to be the one people look to in the grocery store thinking, ‘I bet HE knows where they keep the protein bars.’ I ask you – do YOU know where they keep the protein bars?

YOU sir, you with the brown trousers, the two-toned shirt that’s brown on the bottom, green on the top with green sleeves, (you look like a plant), do YOU know where they keep the protein bars?

Oh you do, eh? What’s that? It’s because you had just one sample of Whisper’s What’s What!? Why, just yesterday? My brother must have been out here giving samples! That old scrapperdoodle. I’ll give him a what one, make it two, no three, better make it a what for.

Just a little humor folks. Yes you, like me, could be attracting audiences like this one, up to TWO people at a time! One plant and one confused looking little old lady. Ma’am?

…Oh. Yeah, the Wal-Mart’s up there.

Attn: Ellen (1/14/15)

Front

Ellen202a

Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

Ellen202b

The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

As I’m sure you remember, I’m getting married soon! Leading up to this my fiancé has been good about having us write thank you notes. I like to try and be creative, but I also have a tendency to forget that not everyone finds joking about taking the lovely basket so-and-so got, putting it behind a glass so we have … a basket case living with us! Get it!?

Also sometimes my jokes just aren’t funny.

Sincerely,
DumbFunnery.com

Why am I doing this?

Celebrity Costume Getup Advice!

What is it, Monday? Ok, great.

Heya folks – it’s MONDAY! And you know what that means – it’s time to dress up as your favorite celebrity! Here to help you, it’s … me! With Impromptu Celebrity Costume Getup Advice! Let’s get to it, shall we?

 

Jon Hamm

This could be you.

You take a plain white t-shirt and write, “hi my name is Jon.” Do NOT include an H. This will RUIN the costume.

Then you take a pig snout nose thing, you probably already own a couple, and wear that.

That’s it. You’re Jon Hamm.

 

Jimmy Fallon

 You take a plain white t-shirt and write, “hi my name is Jimmy.” Not JIM. And don’t re-use your t-shirt from last year when you were Jon.

Then you get a prison uniform and wear that. You’re Jimmy Felon. Fallon. Close enough.

 

Jerry Seinfeld

Hey look at you, mr funny guy.

Get your custom-tailored lederhosen or dirndl (the lady lederhosen) and throw that puppy on. Oh and brush up on your German accent.

Then (obviously), you want to get out a plain white t-shirt and draw a picture of a road sign being knocked over. Throw that t-shirt on and … who are you?

You’re Jerry Sign Felled. Jerry Seinfeld everyone!

 

From my heart to yours, happy random January day costume party everyone!