Front
Back (apologies for my handwriting!)
The text of the postcard is
Dear Ellen,
What’s more terrifying? Waking up in a creepy, unsettlingly sterile room like on this postcard, or a seedy motel room? 3rd option, waking up naked in the Disney castle.
Sincerely,
DumbFunnery.com OR
@DumbFunnery
July 1 (Sunday)
Wife leaves tomorrow
And taking the kid with her
It’s zany dad time!
July 2 (Monday)
Zany dad day 1:
Post work: mowed lawn, did chores
Awwww hell yea, what up
July 3 (Tuesday)
Zany dad day 2:
Woke up early to swim laps
Schooled by ten year olds
July 4 (Wednesday)
Flying to Houston
“I haven’t seen you in years!”
NO TIME – WHERE’S MY SON!
#itHadBeenAWholeTwoDays
July 5 (Thursday)
Son’s first day at beach
Sat in surf playing with sand
Pasty, happy kid
July 6 (Friday)
Met up with some friends
Who also now have a babe!
Oh how life changes
July 7 (Saturday)
Mother-in-law hosts
Party to show off grandson
He’s game … Til naptime
July 8 (Sunday)
Flying home today
Peek-a-boos well with others
I serve as rock wall
#littleClimber
July 9 (Monday)
It’s morning. Kid on lap.
Spazzy arm movement gets me –
Cornea SCRATCHED
July 10 (Tuesday)
Big day for dad, son
Son gets ear tubes put in (yay!)
Eye doc says ‘still … BAD’
July 11 (Wednesday)
No eye pain today!!!
Sis and her fam are in town …
I’m world’s worst host
July 12 (Thursday)
Back at work today!
Eye covered with hand, shades on
I’m productive? Ish?
July 13 (Friday)
Home away from home
Not work – but the eye doctor’s
Eye getting better!
July 14 (Saturday)
If reading, TV
Bother eyes … What do you do?
Sensible bedtime!
July 15 (Sunday)
Quiet house again
Sister’s visit came and went
In blink of an … eye
#seeWhatDidThere
July 16 (Monday)
Sippy cup progress
Kiddo gets tilting cup up!
(Like chugging frat boy)
July 17 (Tuesday)
Band-aid contact OUT!
This doc lacks first doc’s soft touch
Felt like eye poked out
July 18 (Wednesday)
Latest code release
Keeps revealing new problems
No jokes. Just plain stinks.
July 19 (Thursday)
Hey sports fans, great news!
Now you can sport your sport drink
Tastes ‘eh,’ and sporty!
July 20 (Friday)
New video game
I’d forgotten what a fun
Time suck these can be
July 21 (Saturday)
Hello Saturday
Sunday’s less responsible
(And more fun) brother
July 22 (Sunday)
First jog after break
Come on body, you like this!
… I. Said. YOU. LIKE. THIS.
July 23 (Monday)
A kid named Monday
You think he’d be boring, right?
Nope! She’s a nudist.
July 24 (Tuesday)
Went to the eye doc
He gave me swimming advice!
(Also talked eye stuff)
July 25 (Wednesday)
Finished watching Glow
Keep up the good work, Netflix!
(When’s season 3 out?)
July 26 (Thursday)
Nuclear Pregnancy
Act 1, Scene 1: “Look at you!
“Such joy, you’re glowing!”
July 27 (Friday)
Kid learned to sit down!
(Used to stand up, think ‘oh no!’
Then squawk angrily)
July 28 (Saturday)
Went to restaurant
And ordered food for kiddo!!
(First time doing that)
July 29 (Sunday)
Playing game with son
Sorta hide/chase/peek-a-boo
Makes me so happy
July 30 (Monday)
Why aren’t scientists
Making advanced octopi
That give massages
July 31 (Tuesday)
How bout a crime show
It’s kids who sing, and do crime
And it’s called ‘Crime Bop’
We here at DumbFunnery often get questions and asked for advice about a number of topics. Today’s question comes from an avid reader. (Aren’t they all!?!)
‘Recently we found a very large spider in our house – what should we do?’
This is a tough question because I would like to ask a number of follow-up questions, so I’ll just answer for a few different cases.
You Saw the Spider, You Didn’t Interact with the Spider, the Spider Didn’t See You
This is fine. Do nothing, or call an exterminator. Either way is OK. But, when you call the exterminator, call from work or away from your house, and don’t be home when the exterminator does his or her thing. Also, when you get home after the exterminator has been there, say things like, ‘I can’t believe a stranger broke in!’ or ‘oh no, what did that evil stranger do!?’
You Saw the Spider, You Tried to Kill the Spider, the Spider May or May Not be Dead
Oh, you idiot. The spider has EVERYTHING on you. It knows your name, your home, your favorite shows (probably not important information but knowledge is power and spiders have 8 legs which means they are likely 4x more crafty than a human so we can’t even CONCEIVE of the ways the spider will use this information against you). I’d recommend moving, but odds are the spider will move with you which is an absolute alpha move and you’ll show up at your new house, go to bed in your new sheets (you’ll want to replace your sheets – the spider has … done things … to your old ones), and the spider will walk across your face as you sleep.
Have you considered giving up all your personal possessions and becoming a monk? This is your best option.
You Saw the Spider, You Didn’t Interact with the Spider, the Spider Saw You
The spider has established dominance. If the spider sees you, you must kill it swiftly. It now knows your character, and it finds you to be weak. Congratulations, you are now renting from a spider landlord. Your life is but a toy for the spider to play with. Just humor the spider, and you’ll live a mostly normal life.
Good luck, dear reader.
Need Other Brilliant Advice?
I Know You’re Not a Doctor, But …
I Know You’re Not a Doctor, But … (Part II)
What To Do If You Find Yourself in a Riot
DumbFunnery Doles With the Best, Part I
Tips For Recent Grads – Your Big Trip
DumbFunnery 