The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘awkward silence’

Worry-Free Man Dead

At 9:42 am, today, Doug Johnson saw a genie. At 12:42 pm, today, Doug Johnson was found dead.

Johnson, a high-powered executive, had been driven by fear and worry for many years. After a recent heart attack he was told he needed to seek ways to reduce his stress and worry. As a friend, Betty LePaige said, “as a practical joke, Doug went to see a genie. Really, we all found it funny. Like a Genie can actually grant wishes! But it didn’t work out so hot I guess. Genies, huh?”

According to various sources that saw Johnson through the course of the day, security cameras, nanny cameras, and a whole lot of policemen, the genie granted Johnson’s wish of no longer having “any worry.”

“What? I just? You know. The customer wants what he wants, wh-wh-what can I say? Hm?” the Genie said while doing his best Woody Allen impression.

After leaving the Genie’s business, ‘Genie Bone’s Connected to Your Happiness-Bone!’ Johnson immediately went to a Jaguar dealership.

“Oh yeah, we totally screwed him on the deal,” an unnamed source at the dealership said. “But he drove away really happy – who wouldn’t in a brand new Jag? Say I noticed you’ve got an older car out in the lot …” At this point the dealer smiled, and I was temporarily blinded by his charm and smarm.

The Genie reports what happened next. “Doug really had to go to the bathroom. So he did. In his brand new Jag.” When asked how the Genie knew Doug’s thoughts the Genie replied, “look, Brad Stanley thought it’d be funny if this guy was so worry-free that he’d pee himself. So he made me omnipotent, so that I could talk about this. OK!?”

Shortly after going weewee, Johnson came to a stoplight where a cop was stopped next to him. Again without any reason to stop himself Johnson yelled something he’d always wanted to yell at the police, “COWABUNGA SHRED-HEAD!” Without any real reason to arrest him the cops decided they should follow him until they figured an arrest-worthy event would happen.

Unfortunately, that moment never came.

Johnson, in his new car, had a thought occur (said the Genie), “say, is this one of those doors where if it’s locked you can’t open it? Or will it unlock and allow me to open the door?”

Upon finding out Johnson fell out of his car and was run over by Shredder.

Didn’t see that coming did you?

 

The End

 

P.S. I haven’t been getting enough sleep lately.

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Short Short Stories

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Weekly Wacko (62)

Say, How’s Your God Doing?

A little while back I wrote about an experience I had as an intern where I learned I was less valued than a paperweight.

This is a happier internship story from the same place.

The same summer I started interning there, two guys were hired. One, Sukru from the previously mentioned story. Two, Prasad. Sukru was from Turkey and had just gotten either a PhD or Masters, Prasad from India (“south central India” – he said this to me and I almost laughed in his face, I wanted to shout, “south central in the HOUSE!” because I’m white). Prasad also had a big fancy-pants degree.

Prasad came to work for a little while, and he got himself somewhat acquainted with everything, but he had a trip planned to go back home to India. After a brief while of having him around he was off. A few weeks (felt like millennia) later he returned.

Huzzah!

He brought back with him sweets from India. He went cube-to-cube saying, “sweets from India?” and holding a box of foodstuffs at people. It was adorable and scary. I grabbed something, said thanks, and then forced myself to eat it because he was going to stand there until I tried it.

“Mmmm,” I said at 8:00 am to this incredibly sweet bread-like thing, “yum.”

The BEST part of his return was a conversation I overheard. Except for the odd influx of Prasad and Sukru, the company was very whitebread. And oldish.

Oldish whitebread guy: Hey Prasad! Welcome back!
Prasad: Oh, thank you.
Oldish whitebread guy: You got a haircut!
Prasad: I cut off my hair as a sacrifice to my god.
Oldish whitebread guy: ……….Oh.

FANTASTIC!

Watch for a future video where I do my impression of Prasad, who was impressively nervous over the smallest things.

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Weekly Wacko

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Attn: Ellen (1/26/11)

Front


Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

The text of the postcard is:

Dear Ellen,

Sometimes I think how even people with the most amazing jobs in the world must want a career-switch.

But to ride on a llama and not even crack a smile!?

These guys need to re-examine their priorities, and then tip their caps to a llama.

Sincerely,
GetBradStanleyPublished.com

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Attn: Ellen

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