The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘bad jokes’

To Joke, or Not to Joke

I’m at a work event where I know very few people. These events can be tough on me because I make little jokes, but people don’t realize I’m joking. Some of the highlights from the last work conference where I had jokes fall flat.

1 – A man is writing on a piece of paper how many years each of us in his class has been working. Then he asks us to count them up to see just how much experience the room has. Clearly, all the years add up to a very large number. Because I want to be funny, I say this …

“I’m gonna say at least 3.”
“Well it’s a little higher than that, keep counting!”

Not only did this not get a laugh, he now thinks I’m incredibly stupid.

 

2 – We are divided up into teams based on some little personality test they have us do. We have to list reason for conflicts with co-workers. The exercise is to show that either every one has the same reasons (communication-oriented probably) or that different groups see different problems … I don’t remember. What I do remember is my failed joke.

“Ok any other conflicts?”
“Dance fights.”
“What?” (This is where I should’ve stopped and said, ‘just kidding!’ but nope.)
“Too many dance fights at work.”
“Uh …”

Had I been clever I would’ve moon-walked right out of that room. Oh and also I would need to know how to moonwalk.

 

3 – I’m looking into the future and seeing this one. This is a brilliant joke I heard a friend tell and I’m going to steal it. The joke is this – you admit with some shame that you can be a little condescending, then you pick one person out and explain to them very obnoxiously, “that means I sometimes talk down to people.”

“Ok, so class, what are some faults you have that you want to work on?”
“Well, I can be a little condescending … (Picking 0ut someone nearby) That means I sometimes talk down to people.”
That guy, annoyed: “I know what condescending means!”

Seriously, this is going to end up happening. And yet I won’t be able to stop myself.

 

4 – Again, future failure. Because I’m surrounding by type-As the word decisive will undoubtedly heard. When I hear this I’ll stop paying attention and hope for my chance to jump in with a joke (it’s obnoxious of me but true).

“Oh I’d say I’m very decisive as well … I think. Or maybe … well I don’t know. Put me down as 50% decisive.”
With derision: “Uh … then you’re not really decisive, dude.”

It’s good to be here.

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Weekly Wacko

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Fish

From the Bible, Matthew 15:35-15:36, “He [Jesus] told the crowd [4000 people] to sit down on the ground. Then he took the seven loaves and the fish, and when he had given thanks, he broke them and gave them to the disciples, and they in turn to the people. They all ate, and were satisfied.”

Original Fish: Wow! What is happening here?

Second Fish: Hey buddy! Aren’t you a handsome fella! (Laughs.)

Original: STOP THIS! STOP THIS MADNESS!

14th Fish: You know, normally I don’t like big crowds – but this group I feel like I can get along with. (Laughs.)

Original: Why? Why is someone cloning so many of me!

30th Fish: Is it a little hot in here or is it just all of you! (Laughs.)

Original: You know – you’d think someone would have a little respect for nature, and how God made us – but this guy here is just recreating me willy-nilly.

42nd Fish: Hey let’s sing row-row-row your boat! Staggered start-times and everything! Ready? Row-row-row your boat …

Original: Why would someone even clone so many of many?! What is the purpose?!

100th Fish: Oh how embarrassing – we’re all wearing the same thing! (Laughs.)

Random Human: Let’s eat!

Original: Oh.

Now you know why fish have that googly-eyed shock look all the time. Buh-dum-dum!

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Short Short Stories

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Weekly Wacko (45)

Coming Clean

I’m going to tell you something not many people know.

What’s the big secret?

My cat’s name.

Her name … is (was) Nuts.

Nuts, the cat.

She got this name because she was crazy, aka bonkers, aka loony, aka nuts.

I didn’t usually tell people her name, instead referring to her as “meowsers” or “the cat” because, here’s a surprise, most boys don’t think ‘synonym for crazy’ when they hear the word ‘nuts.’ I was going to say I started doing this when I was in elementary school – but I realized I did this even until college, when she died. That’s because boys are perpetually stupid. Girls too, but we’re better at it.

Our dog’s name is Chaser (she got the name from a Big Dog t-shirt – “The Unleashables”). Chaser is not embarrassing to admit to, but for the sake of uniformity I have pretty much always referred to the dog and cat, not by their names, but as “the dog” and “the cat.”

Sometimes “the dog” is also called, “the pooch,” “the pup” and “the mutt.”

There you have it, the cat’s out of the bag … (I should’ve written for Frasier).

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Weekly Wacko

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