The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘dumbfunnery’

Animal Facts! (Crowned Hornbill, Antelope Ground Squirrel, Cotton-Top Tamarin, Blue-Bellied Roller)

Crowned Hornbill

Generally doesn’t realize he has no idea what he’s talking about until he’s about halfway through expressing his very wordy opinion on the topic.

Hands out hugs like pimps hand out slaps.

Ever since he learned how to move to the beat he’s been so … smooth.

Plays on a bowling team called the Smashtronauts.

Woke up Sunday, felt really tired still, decided God was infinite and would still be there next Sunday. Snooze button ENGAGED.

Antelope Ground Squirrel

Thinks ‘castration’ was the name of the government under Fidel Castro. Some thought he was making social commentary, but his true friends know he’s just an idiot.

Wants a really ‘organic relationship.’ He has no idea what that means, but it sounds healthy.

Has been drunk in a plane, a train and has a bottle of wine and a cardboard box with his name on them at home for tonight.

Sometimes feels like Atlas – not that he has the weight of the world on his shoulders, but that he’d look like a cool statue.

Far too worried about making a good impression to have any shot of making a good impression.

Cotton-Top Tamarin

Would describe his mood as gritty and emotional.

If he was a function the input would be food, liquid, air and the output would be your face. Zing.

For God’s sake, no more pet cats for this guy. He’ll never find a date.

A gentleman doesn’t tell – and thankfully he’s no gentleman.

He’s got music in his soul. Unfortunately it’s on repeat. And it’s Wham’s greatest hits.

Blue-Bellied Roller

Saint-like, but only in his ability to be celebrated after he dies.

Odd ability to locate studs in walls. Slutty ability to locate studs in bars.

Jaw-clenches with the best of them.

“Well I’d like to, or, at least, but … well, (nervous laugh), nevermind.” This is his impression of every Hugh Grant character.

Was willing to make the final sacrifice until he learned, “seriously!? THAT’S what that means?? It’s so … PERMANENT!”

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Animal Facts

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That Time I Was Asked Out! By a Girl!

One day in the 7th grade a big event happened for me – I was asked out. By a girl!

I don’t remember what I was doing, but I know I was by myself. The girl came up and said hey, I said hello. There were about 50 of us total in the 7th grade at that school. I didn’t have her in my main classes, but I think we were in gym and art together. I knew who she was, but didn’t know her that well.

She popped the big question – asking if I’d want to go out with her.

I didn’t want to go out with her. I don’t think I wanted to go out with anyone then. I had big crushes, but I enjoyed them as crushes. I was afraid of ruining how nice my crush from afar was with risky things like conversation and interaction with the fairer sex.

Plus, you know, girls suck at video games so what good are they?

As soon as she asked I knew I would say no, but I felt so bad about it. Aw, I’m going to break her little heart. Poor girl. I don’t want to go out with her.

With a face that was I’m sure full of pity and sadness, I said a quiet and sad ‘no.’

She responded quickly with an ‘ok!’ and off she went.

I still felt guilty about crushing her dreams of dating me. But boy, she sure didn’t take it hard.

As the afternoon wore on a little bit I began to feel pretty good about myself – I got asked out! By a girl! I was not very confident and this left my ego feeling pretty good.

After school that day I was talking with some friends and someone mentioned something about that girl.

Apparently, she seemed to have asked out what felt like half the 7th grade class. I was singled out because of the distinguishing characteristic of me being a boy. Great.

My ego returned to its regular size (which was about the size of an N64 game cartridge), and instead of thinking about how nice it was to be liked I thought about how crazy that girl must be. Who asks out that many people? In one day?

I think my ego would’ve puked from the roller coaster ride if I’d said yes to going out, then at the end of the day found out that I was boyfriend choice number X.

‘Oh you’re going out with her? I thought about saying yes.’
‘Yeah me too.’
‘Me too.’
‘Oh I was a definite no all the way.’

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Weekly Wacko

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Attn: Ellen (8/31/11)

Front


Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

The text of the postcard is:

Dear Ellen,

There’s a food place near me where you write down your name and check boxes to say what you want. Then you give the card with this info to the clerk.

Lately I’ve been really curious if, say I put my name as “U! S! A! U! S! A!” – will the clerk chant it when they announce that my order is ready?

Stay posted – I may give this a whirl tomorrow at lunch.

Sincerely,
DumbFunnery.com

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Attn: Ellen

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