The intellectual equivalent of a ham sandwich.

Posts tagged ‘fun’

Lies I Readily Tell My Dentist

Dentist: Oh it’s great to see you, how are you!?

Me: (Un-intelligable noise meaning great to see you too!)

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Dentist: Boy this weather lately sure is great, huh!

Me: (Frightened noise because someone this peppy holding a sharp metal instrument in my mouth is scary.)

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Dentist: You don’t mind if I talk about weird personal problems with the hygienist do you?

Me: (Weird open-mouthed noise indicating … well, actually, I do kind of find this one interesting. They never ask, they just do it.)

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Dentist: Oh I love this song! This radio station is great!

Me: (Weird open-mouthed noise indicating oh yeah, I love this easy-listening-please-none-offend-none radio station!)

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Check out Lies I Readily Tell to Salespeople

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My Zombie Roomy (1/19/12)

Before I left to go home for Christmas and New Year’s the Zombie and I made a list of sorts of New Year’s resolutions for he and I both to work on. We did this after the gift exchange.

(Which I guess went well? He got me a crappy watch with blood stains on it, and he really wanted me to try it on, so I had to pretend to hurt my wrist. Later I cleaned it up some, which then made me wonder if I was tampering with evidence, but he can be like a little kid and get so sad if he feels like you don’t appreciate something so I figured a cop would understand why I did what I did. Also I was really drunk which probably hampered my thinking.)

I was gone for about a week, and then since I got back I’ve been pretty busy so I guess he got upset? I don’t know. But here’s the New Year’s Resolution list the day we made it …

And here it is earlier today, when I finally noticed it.

Maybe that’s his way of saying he needs to eat better? Or a call for help? Or anger? And where did he get that cookie? And how was the cookie so burnt on the bottom but just right on top? Oh yeah, I ate it. Should I not have? So many questions, so few cookies. What’s the world coming to?

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My Zombie Roomy

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Attn: Ellen (1/18/12)

Front


Back (apologies for my handwriting!)

The text of the postcard is

Dear Ellen,

And God spoke unto Saint Jerome, but He thusly kinda mumbled. Lo, Jerome said, “huh?” and again God spaketh or something. Jerome, thy confus-ed face looking upward said “what?” and God chuckled, for He had said, “loner says what?” and thusly Saint Jerome didn’t get out much.

Sincerely,
DumbFunnery.com

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Attn: Ellen

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