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Archive for the ‘Du Jour of the Week’ Category

How to Deal with Criminals – Poetry Style

Sometimes crime happens. And a criminals worst nightmare might by a little poetry. Memorize these, they could save you some grief.

I

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
If I put down my gun
So should you

II

Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
No, because summer never stole my favorite shoes.
Please give them back.

III

Sweet as a cookie,
Sharp as a tack.
My car was not bought
To experience carjack.

IV

O captain, my captain
Where is my watch?
Seriously … who took my watch.

V

The devil dances
And dines
And devours
The unwary travelers of life
You’re not the devil
But you come close with that knife

VI

What is life?
What is the purpose for all of this strife?
Who are we?
Please, anonymous hacker, un-steal my identity?

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Dear Jon Mad Lib

Heya (condescending nickname), how are you?

Listen, we really need to talk. Take a seat on that (noun).

Look, things between us have been (adjective), and it’s been wonderful. But then, last Tuesday, I was watching (movie or TV show) and it made me realize two things.

One, you look a lot like a young (B movie actor or actress).

I’m kidding. Please. Stop (synonym for crying).

But wait, I have more to (verb).

The other thing it made me realize is that, well, you aren’t (adjective) enough.

No! Wait! It’s not you!, it’s (noun)!

Honest, I wish things had gone differently.

But they didn’t, you (barn animal).

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A Really Nice Guy Talking to His Very Attractive, Adventurous Girlfriend

“Hey … uh … listen, don’t start crying yet … geez … all right, well … I think we should break up … I met this guy … he’s into guns … and cheating on women … and he’s temporarily found me attractive because I played hard to get but now I’m going to go running toward him and tell him I broke up with a guy just for him so it’ll pretty much make him find me repulsive because he only likes women who are unavailable and so then I’ll be clingy for a few weeks until he moves on, out of my life … on his hot motorcycle.

“Seriously? You didn’t see this coming?”

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