Front
Back (apologies for my handwriting!)
The text of the postcard is
Dear Ellen,
For Christmas I bought myself a box of postcard from McSweeney’s! The nice thing was I had forgotten about this so it was a sort of “Christmas Miracle” when I saw these things.
Here’s hoping 2013 will have many bad memory inspired miracles for me, you, and everyone!
Sincerely,
DumbFunnery.com
P.S. Have I done my homework? Beats me! Weeeeee! What fun!!
Hello, Fortune and Fame. That’s right, folks, I’ve found the ticket to fortune and fame. My writing will find its way to the light of day because everyone won’t be able to get enough of one of the many singers in ‘Johnny and the Racist Undetones’ – the nation’s hottest band.
Over Christmas I got together with a few cousins to go to a bar for trivia night. A few brains in the group were missing, but we still managed to tie for last! (Due to the brilliant thinking of my cousin Lockout, who suggested that we not bet all but one of our points on the last round … we bet all but TWO … then everyone gets the final question wrong and we’re sitting pretty with two points and first place, while all those other dopes are tied for last place with one point! Unfortunately another team had the same idea, and everyone else actually answered the final round correctly. Hence, tied for last place with a grand total of two points.)
Anywho …
The cousins who WERE there stumbled on the next big band. That’s right, you’ve already heard of us, Johnny and the Racist Undertones.
You see, we would drink a little bit, then take a long, hard look (about a minute) at the lyrics of a popular song … and then cover this song.
Opening verse? Solid.
Chorus? Belting it out!
Second verse on out … A mix of the actual words plus some improvised mumbling/rhyming words/gibberish.
Unfortunately, none of us are really experts at musical instruments, so we’ll have a whole lot of vocalists. Also, as far as I know, none of us are really all that stellar when it comes to singing.
Lockout’s second brilliant idea was to supply the racist undertones. During songs, he would “sing backup.” His backup would take the form of whispering racist things.
Who could resist the charm of Johnny and the Racist Undertones? I’ll tell you who – no one.
New Year’s Resolutions come and go. But that doesn’t mean I’m not going to have some. I just need to “re-brand” it. I need to combine a resolution with a slogan. Make 2013 a year known as … something.
2013, Make Friends with a Queen
That could be a potential resolution AND slogan. Am I currently friends with a queen? Not that I know of. Should I become friends with one? Yes, if I can’t think of a funnier slogan.
Don’t be Mean in 2013
That’s not funny in the slightest, but it would probably a good resolution. What’s that mean? That means: NEXT!
Read Like a Preteen in 2013
This is the most doable so far of all of my resolutions. In 2012 I read the Hunger Games books very quickly. With this resolution I could feel like an avid reader due to the number of books I could read without having the burden of having to use my brain.
Be Green for 3013
See what I did there? It’s a 2013 resolution, but … see, by being green I’d be saving the world for another … ah, whatever. One simple change/”resolution” I made in late 2011 was to use less paper towels when drying my hands in public restrooms. All you do is shake your hands a bunch, and then you only need one paper towel. So simple!
Make Being a Badass Routine in 2013
BOOM! I don’t know how I’m going to do this, which makes it perfect for a New Year’s resolution. It’s vague so I can say anything accomplishes this resolution.
“Hey, did you actually stick to your resolution?”
“Me?, yeah, heck yeah. I committed to being a badass and you know what? I did that. I didn’t change a thing about me to better myself, which shows I’m confident in who I am, so that’s pretty B.A. dude.”
“Sounds like you’re just lazy and self-congratulating.”
“I know. B.A., right?”
DumbFunnery 